(from a memo taken stealthily from Mark Goodson's desk in the wee hours of 12/30/06 while wearing sneakers.)
1) More dynamic prizes-
People are tired of the same old bedroom sets and RV's, possible alternatives are space shuttle rides, indentured servants, monkey helpers, ect.
2) A new charitable organization
With Barker leaving in July, we'll need a focus besides spaying and neutering suggested charities include PASS (the People Against Scientology and all it Stands for), some children type Chernobyl effort, teaching reading (everyone likes to read) and/or on a serious note Reporters without Borders.
3) Hire more "realistic" models
Same sense as some "Dove" commercials where full figured woman are used, some models could include...
(it should be noted that either Mark Goodson or the person this memo was sent from had crossed out # 3 on this list, possibly due to market research on ugly people in regards to television.)
4) An All "Price is Right" channel running 24 hours 7 days a week 364 days a year.
Only December 12th would be off air, in respect
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Bob and A Tribute to the King.
Early I had mused on one of the most troubling aspects of the Price, advertising. I solved my problem with a half-hearted answer, like asking a person for directions and receiving a blank "yes." (I'll link to the previous post later, or at least let you know which one I'm speaking of, it's titled The Enemy in the Best of PIR # 2 below.)
But the game is stepping it up. Maybe it's the impending retirement, perhaps a final run of glory. Like Neil Young said "it's better to burn out, than to fade away."
The more capitalist-corporate-money or nothing part of me says it's a good way to keep people watching, even if the soul of it is leaving. (Also lets take a minute for the godfather of soul please.)
..
..
..
..
..
Today, while partially ignoring the Hoverround commercials, something caught my eye... or rather my ear. A Elvis box set that's like heaven falling to earth. A full DVD set with over fifty-five recordings that have been bombarded with digital enhancement. This for only two payments of twenty-four ninety-five.
Now I'm not going to buy it, I have no real need or want, but I'm glad to see that they are trying.
Till that day.
But the game is stepping it up. Maybe it's the impending retirement, perhaps a final run of glory. Like Neil Young said "it's better to burn out, than to fade away."
The more capitalist-corporate-money or nothing part of me says it's a good way to keep people watching, even if the soul of it is leaving. (Also lets take a minute for the godfather of soul please.)
..
..
..
..
..
Today, while partially ignoring the Hoverround commercials, something caught my eye... or rather my ear. A Elvis box set that's like heaven falling to earth. A full DVD set with over fifty-five recordings that have been bombarded with digital enhancement. This for only two payments of twenty-four ninety-five.
Now I'm not going to buy it, I have no real need or want, but I'm glad to see that they are trying.
Till that day.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
A host and A temptation
Mary Ann was called to "come on down" just moments ago, she cleverly tried to pass by contestants row and stood on Bob's left waiting for her chance to win a car/bedroom set/RV.
Bob was not fooled. Explained that despite her "Turned 80 today and am still a Beauty" shirt, the fact that Bob put her at 65 cause she looks so good, and the general rule of the world allocating better things/circumstance/situation to those who are deemed as a step above the rest looks wise, Mary Ann had to proceed through the game in fair fashion like everyone else.
When politeness didn't work, Bob said "get off my stage and back to where you belong."
Bob was not fooled. Explained that despite her "Turned 80 today and am still a Beauty" shirt, the fact that Bob put her at 65 cause she looks so good, and the general rule of the world allocating better things/circumstance/situation to those who are deemed as a step above the rest looks wise, Mary Ann had to proceed through the game in fair fashion like everyone else.
When politeness didn't work, Bob said "get off my stage and back to where you belong."
Monday, December 25, 2006
Retirement for the holidays #25
From sources at the Weekly World News, Bob Barker of The Price is Right fame has revealed himself as the real Santa Claus.
For years he said hiding his true identity was a fun part of his day to day routine, but since going into retirement will free up so much time Bob plans to really focus on Christmas this year.
Which means we'll all have to watch what we do a bit more attentively this coming year, because Bob's going to have time enough to check that list more than just twice.
For years he said hiding his true identity was a fun part of his day to day routine, but since going into retirement will free up so much time Bob plans to really focus on Christmas this year.
Which means we'll all have to watch what we do a bit more attentively this coming year, because Bob's going to have time enough to check that list more than just twice.
Monday, December 18, 2006
PIR Retirement scenarios 28, 497, 1006 of 1523
28. Zombies. Lots and lots of Zombies.
497. A Hostel type studio trap enabling Bob and company to continue living the life of luxury through the illegal slave trade (I've never seen the movie but I would like this to convey the type of horror and desperation the trailers conveyed to me.)
1006. Ironically, one thousand and six, is the number of times Matthew Willard Smith tried and failed to appear on The Price is Right. Matthew's garage is a shrine of "I *heart* Bob" shirts progressing to "Bob, head for stage time?," to "let me onstage or I'LL KILL YOU BOB!" Matthew had relinquished his obsession with The Price Is Right and concentrated on refurbishing old radio transistors, until during one early morning the radio started spitting out Bob's cheerful words. Matthew wouldn't have even paid attention, he was past step twelve, except that a Matthew Smith was called to stage. Matthew Willard Smith hung himself moments later, Matthew John Smith won a new car and was defeated in the showcase showdown.
497. A Hostel type studio trap enabling Bob and company to continue living the life of luxury through the illegal slave trade (I've never seen the movie but I would like this to convey the type of horror and desperation the trailers conveyed to me.)
1006. Ironically, one thousand and six, is the number of times Matthew Willard Smith tried and failed to appear on The Price is Right. Matthew's garage is a shrine of "I *heart* Bob" shirts progressing to "Bob, head for stage time?," to "let me onstage or I'LL KILL YOU BOB!" Matthew had relinquished his obsession with The Price Is Right and concentrated on refurbishing old radio transistors, until during one early morning the radio started spitting out Bob's cheerful words. Matthew wouldn't have even paid attention, he was past step twelve, except that a Matthew Smith was called to stage. Matthew Willard Smith hung himself moments later, Matthew John Smith won a new car and was defeated in the showcase showdown.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
a history
Before the sun had risen yesterday or the day before, Jesus of Nazareth spent forty days fasting in the desert after his baptism. Shortly after beginning, the Devil appeared to Jesus and spent efforts tempting him to prove his heavenly influence. That Jesus did not give in to these temptations is well known.
It is not as well known what happened only three days in to Jesus' journey.
But this is not the beginning of this story.
Prior to his death in 9 B.C.Decimus Claudius Drusus, otherwise known as Nero and an eventual consul to the Roman Empire, met what he believed to be a hermit traveling through the Alps. It is believed that the day was cloudy and the supposed hermit asked Nero the direction west.
Nero, surprised to see someone else in such a desolate place, asked what would bring someone to such circumstance. The man responded that he was walking around the world to spread his message. Nero thought to himself the message must be important and vowed , without hearing the message, that he too would spread the message in his travels. The supposed hermit told Nero that the importance lies not in how many know the message, but in the even seldom use of the wisdom.
While is is not known if they had coffee or tea, Nero and this man spoke for seven days, mostly about what would become known commonly as "the butterfly effect" and what direction was in fact west. Before parting the man told Nero his message.
Nero would only pass this information on to one other person by the end of his life. The head of janitorial services in his favorite bath house. That man, as well, enjoyed a pleasant life and is said to have told no one the message.
Some scholars argue that the message in question never existed and what they were in fact so occupied with what was merely the "butterfly effect." So much so that people deny any other message and have begun to spread the "butterfly" theory to the world. Most notably Ray Bradbury's fiction and a recent Hollywood portrayal. These people have been misguided, the supposed hermit was illustrating a point.
By the time Jesus of Nazareth was famously fasting in the desert the hermit had passed on and had only traveled seventy miles on his course around the world. It is believed he was an enthusiastic speaker and would stop for days on the basis of enjoying company.
He did enlist a young man prior to passing. The young man idealistically followed the hermit's abandoned path, but this younger man also had trouble with direction. This caused him to be lost in the desert for some time, eventually passing Jesus on his exit.
The young man told Jesus he was going the wrong way, that the only thing where he was headed was the Devil. And, while Jesus didn't take this literally, the young man was correct. Jesus told the young man that he didn't have a choice, that it was his path.
The young man told Jesus that he didn't have time to argue with him about right and wrong, but again warned the Devil was out there and that Jesus would surely run into him.
Normally the young man would have loved to argue, as he was very impressive in debate. His most recent conquering came while arguing the amount of grains of sand in the desert with the Devil. The topic lasted about two weeks, and while the younger man was most assuredly wrong in the number, the Devil eventually agreed with him. The young man left after asking the Devil the direction and by the time he met Jesus he was very unimpressed with what the desert had to offer, thus would not stay to argue with Jesus.
He did give Jesus a message however, to aid him in his travels. Jesus himself did not relate the message to anyone else, possibly in an attempt not to obscure his own message, but did begin referring to himself with an emphasis on 'Son".
The message was passed on throughout the world and ages. It did not make it to the British Isles until sometime later and perhaps would have delayed the loss of influence had it been related earlier.
The hermits and travelers prospered as well. With one taking over as one passed and some astrological anomaly making most of them have problematic issues with direction. It is said that one did not have this issue, but had a similar one in relation to the hour or date.
The influence of the message spread with each traveler and prospered to the others it was given. Notable receivers include Sinatra in relation to claims of organized crime ties and D.B. Cooper's one time exploit in Portland.
The message gained worldwide notice when it was first publicly stated explicitly on television in 1956. Bob Stewart was given the message by a street vendor in NYC, the last known whereabouts of the travelers spreading the message.
While not stating the exact purpose of the game show, the message was in constant view, used-recycled-used and continues until this day.
The End.
It is not as well known what happened only three days in to Jesus' journey.
But this is not the beginning of this story.
Prior to his death in 9 B.C.Decimus Claudius Drusus, otherwise known as Nero and an eventual consul to the Roman Empire, met what he believed to be a hermit traveling through the Alps. It is believed that the day was cloudy and the supposed hermit asked Nero the direction west.
Nero, surprised to see someone else in such a desolate place, asked what would bring someone to such circumstance. The man responded that he was walking around the world to spread his message. Nero thought to himself the message must be important and vowed , without hearing the message, that he too would spread the message in his travels. The supposed hermit told Nero that the importance lies not in how many know the message, but in the even seldom use of the wisdom.
While is is not known if they had coffee or tea, Nero and this man spoke for seven days, mostly about what would become known commonly as "the butterfly effect" and what direction was in fact west. Before parting the man told Nero his message.
Nero would only pass this information on to one other person by the end of his life. The head of janitorial services in his favorite bath house. That man, as well, enjoyed a pleasant life and is said to have told no one the message.
Some scholars argue that the message in question never existed and what they were in fact so occupied with what was merely the "butterfly effect." So much so that people deny any other message and have begun to spread the "butterfly" theory to the world. Most notably Ray Bradbury's fiction and a recent Hollywood portrayal. These people have been misguided, the supposed hermit was illustrating a point.
By the time Jesus of Nazareth was famously fasting in the desert the hermit had passed on and had only traveled seventy miles on his course around the world. It is believed he was an enthusiastic speaker and would stop for days on the basis of enjoying company.
He did enlist a young man prior to passing. The young man idealistically followed the hermit's abandoned path, but this younger man also had trouble with direction. This caused him to be lost in the desert for some time, eventually passing Jesus on his exit.
The young man told Jesus he was going the wrong way, that the only thing where he was headed was the Devil. And, while Jesus didn't take this literally, the young man was correct. Jesus told the young man that he didn't have a choice, that it was his path.
The young man told Jesus that he didn't have time to argue with him about right and wrong, but again warned the Devil was out there and that Jesus would surely run into him.
Normally the young man would have loved to argue, as he was very impressive in debate. His most recent conquering came while arguing the amount of grains of sand in the desert with the Devil. The topic lasted about two weeks, and while the younger man was most assuredly wrong in the number, the Devil eventually agreed with him. The young man left after asking the Devil the direction and by the time he met Jesus he was very unimpressed with what the desert had to offer, thus would not stay to argue with Jesus.
He did give Jesus a message however, to aid him in his travels. Jesus himself did not relate the message to anyone else, possibly in an attempt not to obscure his own message, but did begin referring to himself with an emphasis on 'Son".
The message was passed on throughout the world and ages. It did not make it to the British Isles until sometime later and perhaps would have delayed the loss of influence had it been related earlier.
The hermits and travelers prospered as well. With one taking over as one passed and some astrological anomaly making most of them have problematic issues with direction. It is said that one did not have this issue, but had a similar one in relation to the hour or date.
The influence of the message spread with each traveler and prospered to the others it was given. Notable receivers include Sinatra in relation to claims of organized crime ties and D.B. Cooper's one time exploit in Portland.
The message gained worldwide notice when it was first publicly stated explicitly on television in 1956. Bob Stewart was given the message by a street vendor in NYC, the last known whereabouts of the travelers spreading the message.
While not stating the exact purpose of the game show, the message was in constant view, used-recycled-used and continues until this day.
The End.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
PIR Retirement show scenario #1121of 1523
Los Angeles (AP)- In an unprecedented television scandal, Bob Barker, of former The Price is Right fame, has been accused of stealing what worked out to be three hundred fifty three thousand two hundred twenty one dollars in prize money. Ironically this is over five times the top amount of prize money ever won on The Price is Right.
What was going to be Barker's final show on July 7th 2007 will never be shown. The producers showed up at the day of taping to find all the prizes set aside for a retirement spectacular missing. CBS claims to have footage of Barker loading numerous prizes into vans and SUVs, also prizes to be given away.
Among the things claimed by CBS to the insurance company were several blenders, numerous cases of supplement bottles, two Cadillac's, four high definition TVs, an RV, several dining sets and bedroom sets, three snowmobiles, a sailboat, and an undisclosed amount of cash.
CBS has declined to comment and Barker's whereabouts are unknown.
What was going to be Barker's final show on July 7th 2007 will never be shown. The producers showed up at the day of taping to find all the prizes set aside for a retirement spectacular missing. CBS claims to have footage of Barker loading numerous prizes into vans and SUVs, also prizes to be given away.
Among the things claimed by CBS to the insurance company were several blenders, numerous cases of supplement bottles, two Cadillac's, four high definition TVs, an RV, several dining sets and bedroom sets, three snowmobiles, a sailboat, and an undisclosed amount of cash.
CBS has declined to comment and Barker's whereabouts are unknown.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
PIR Retirement show scenario #517 of 1523
Los Angeles CA - In an apparent move to undermine NASA creditability and territorial claim, CBS has announced that Bob Barker's last show will be broadcast from a moonbase.
Barker, who hosts The Price is Right, has stated that the July 7th, 2007 show will be his last.
While evidence of this claim has yet to be in full public disclosure, CBS has stated they are "very confident" that this will be the finest moment in television history.
NASA spokes person Barb Russell has called these claims "utterly ridiculous," even saying that the move "has no scientific merit and is merely a marketing gimmick."
Fans of the widely popular daytime show have already been lining up for a position in the audience. One was seen wearing a " I *heart* the Moon" t-shirt.
CBS also indicated they would not be paying for shipping on prizes won during the final taping.
"That's been our policy since day one. You win it, you take it away." CBS spokes person William Tflett.
Barker, who hosts The Price is Right, has stated that the July 7th, 2007 show will be his last.
While evidence of this claim has yet to be in full public disclosure, CBS has stated they are "very confident" that this will be the finest moment in television history.
NASA spokes person Barb Russell has called these claims "utterly ridiculous," even saying that the move "has no scientific merit and is merely a marketing gimmick."
Fans of the widely popular daytime show have already been lining up for a position in the audience. One was seen wearing a " I *heart* the Moon" t-shirt.
CBS also indicated they would not be paying for shipping on prizes won during the final taping.
"That's been our policy since day one. You win it, you take it away." CBS spokes person William Tflett.
Friday, December 08, 2006
PIR Retirement show scenario #752 of 1523
Camera pans over a half empty studio and focuses on stage. Stage is empty. Camera pans over a half empty studio, about half way through pan view is filtered through a green screen. Camera continues to pan over empty stage and half empty studio with camera filters changing color every two to three minutes. Eventually, fifteen to twenty minutes, the camera slows to stage and stops on empty stage.
Announcer finally begins show by speaking but his voice is that of Charlie Brown's teacher, thus unintelligible.
Announcer- Whaa whaa, woa, wha wha wha.
The half empty studio responds with varied enthusiasm, ranging from all out devotions of love to lulled boos. One man, with a nametag that reads "the savior" stands up yells.
The Savior- Quit hugging the alphabet Bob!
Mr. Barker is not seen as he is backstage sitting under a hundred year old sacred fig. He hasn't spoken to anyone since 3:30 a.m. the previous morning after sipping Kool Aid while mingling in the audience waiting line.
The camera color changes to purple.
Stage hands start indiscriminately bringing prizes onstage including a brightly colored Cadillac, a cardboard cutout of Fiji, a popcorn machine and two hundred fifteen bottles of supplement.
The audience is, again, torn in excitement. Some hiss, others laugh. One man, with a name tag reading "Life" or "Death" depending on if it's viewed right side up or down, begins to walk down the aisle to the stage. He is cut off by a man whose name tag shows "Jeb" crossed out and "Elvis" written under it.
Jeb/Elvis begins to sing into a bottle of supplement. He starts with "A Little Less Conversation" but soon moves into "Suspicious Minds". At this point the crowd is only happy.
The camera color changes to yellow.
Life/Death crawls into the glass enclosure of the popcorn machine and refuses to get out.
Several audience members begin to build a pyramid of supplement bottles with great intensity, by the end of the show this will be over twelve feet high.
Several other audience members sit quietly in front of the Fiji sign. One seems very cold and has her hands stretched towards the cardboard sunset.
The camera color changes red.
The Announcer- Wha, wha, waa waa.
While still unintelligible, Jeb/Elvis takes this as a request for "In The Ghetto" and begins the song to much jubilation. It is said that even Mr. Barker cracked a slight smile, but this is not true.
The camera color fades from red to black very slowly eventually going completely black, fifteen to twenty minutes.
Announcer finally begins show by speaking but his voice is that of Charlie Brown's teacher, thus unintelligible.
Announcer- Whaa whaa, woa, wha wha wha.
The half empty studio responds with varied enthusiasm, ranging from all out devotions of love to lulled boos. One man, with a nametag that reads "the savior" stands up yells.
The Savior- Quit hugging the alphabet Bob!
Mr. Barker is not seen as he is backstage sitting under a hundred year old sacred fig. He hasn't spoken to anyone since 3:30 a.m. the previous morning after sipping Kool Aid while mingling in the audience waiting line.
The camera color changes to purple.
Stage hands start indiscriminately bringing prizes onstage including a brightly colored Cadillac, a cardboard cutout of Fiji, a popcorn machine and two hundred fifteen bottles of supplement.
The audience is, again, torn in excitement. Some hiss, others laugh. One man, with a name tag reading "Life" or "Death" depending on if it's viewed right side up or down, begins to walk down the aisle to the stage. He is cut off by a man whose name tag shows "Jeb" crossed out and "Elvis" written under it.
Jeb/Elvis begins to sing into a bottle of supplement. He starts with "A Little Less Conversation" but soon moves into "Suspicious Minds". At this point the crowd is only happy.
The camera color changes to yellow.
Life/Death crawls into the glass enclosure of the popcorn machine and refuses to get out.
Several audience members begin to build a pyramid of supplement bottles with great intensity, by the end of the show this will be over twelve feet high.
Several other audience members sit quietly in front of the Fiji sign. One seems very cold and has her hands stretched towards the cardboard sunset.
The camera color changes red.
The Announcer- Wha, wha, waa waa.
While still unintelligible, Jeb/Elvis takes this as a request for "In The Ghetto" and begins the song to much jubilation. It is said that even Mr. Barker cracked a slight smile, but this is not true.
The camera color fades from red to black very slowly eventually going completely black, fifteen to twenty minutes.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
PIR final show scenario # 463 of 1523
Los Angeles, CA (AP)- After fifty years hosting America's favorite gameshow, Bob Barker was fatally shot while taping his final show before retirement on Monday.
Barker was host of the CBS gameshow The Price is Right and had announced his retirement several months ago. His final show was set to air on July 7th, 2007, but will now not be shown due to recent events.
While investigators initially thought this was a routine celebrity shooting, recent evidence indicates that Barker himself may have been involved.
Chuck Barris, host of such popular television programs as The Gong Show and The Dating Game, was apprehended shortly after the incident and the LAPD have released a statement charging Barris with the murder.
Ironically, in a statement released by Barris' attorney, Barris has taken credit for the shooting but states he was setup by Barker.
"Regretfully I fell victim to Bob's will," Barris' attorney read, "Bob didn't want to just fade into the Hollywood sunset and requested my services. I unfortunately overlooked the speedy response of Los Angeles' finest."
Barris, in an autobiography based on his life, claimed to have been a CIA operative and assassin with over a hundred confirmed kills. This claim has yet to be verified.
Los Angeles investigators have stated they are looking into every aspect of the case.
"It's L.A. and at this point we're not ruling anything out." stated LAPD correspondent Eric Nickol.
________________________________________
"a little less conversation, a little more action"- Elvis
Barker was host of the CBS gameshow The Price is Right and had announced his retirement several months ago. His final show was set to air on July 7th, 2007, but will now not be shown due to recent events.
While investigators initially thought this was a routine celebrity shooting, recent evidence indicates that Barker himself may have been involved.
Chuck Barris, host of such popular television programs as The Gong Show and The Dating Game, was apprehended shortly after the incident and the LAPD have released a statement charging Barris with the murder.
Ironically, in a statement released by Barris' attorney, Barris has taken credit for the shooting but states he was setup by Barker.
"Regretfully I fell victim to Bob's will," Barris' attorney read, "Bob didn't want to just fade into the Hollywood sunset and requested my services. I unfortunately overlooked the speedy response of Los Angeles' finest."
Barris, in an autobiography based on his life, claimed to have been a CIA operative and assassin with over a hundred confirmed kills. This claim has yet to be verified.
Los Angeles investigators have stated they are looking into every aspect of the case.
"It's L.A. and at this point we're not ruling anything out." stated LAPD correspondent Eric Nickol.
________________________________________
"a little less conversation, a little more action"- Elvis
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Possible retirement show transcripts. Number 1 of 1523.
Camera pans applauding crowd and stage, a banner stating 'Congratulations Bob' hangs over the stage as a reminder to Mr. Barker's last day prior to retirement. The announcer continues the opening lines.
Announcer- ... America's favorite gameshow, a entire hour with fun filled games and exciting prizes. And now your host of The Price Is Right... Bob Barker.
Continued applause as the camera pans to the left stage entrance in anticipation of Mr. Barker. Applause continues, quietly subsides for a moment when Mr. Barker still isn't shown, then rebounds to the normal decibel for the studio as the "applause" indicators light up.
Another moment passes with no sight of Mr. Barker.
Announcer- And now your host of The Price Is Right, Bob Barker.
Behind stage a frantic producer finds Mr. Barker in his suite/ dressing room and prods him to go onstage. The producer produces some stage hands and they carry Mr. Barker to the stage. Mr. Barker is heavy footed and has to be pushed onto stage. The applause had once again quieted, but becomes excitedly overdone on Mr. Barker's appearance.
Without warning an audience member, wearing a " I *heart with X over it* retirement", takes a running jump onto the stage and hugs Mr. Barker before being taken off stage by security.
In the chaos a half full pint bottle of tequila falls from Mr. Barker's Pocket. A shocked audience realizes then that the famous host has been pounding tequila for six hours prior to taping. Some overly concerned audience member with a "hello my name is Deb" name tag, yells.
Deb- No Bob, don't let it take you like it took my husband.
Mr. Barker responds in a slur of barely audible noises before falling off stage and ending his career. Audience members leave in a calm and organized fashion. Every audience member is provided a new blender in exchange for signing a "I didn't see that happen" disclaimer.
Announcer- ... America's favorite gameshow, a entire hour with fun filled games and exciting prizes. And now your host of The Price Is Right... Bob Barker.
Continued applause as the camera pans to the left stage entrance in anticipation of Mr. Barker. Applause continues, quietly subsides for a moment when Mr. Barker still isn't shown, then rebounds to the normal decibel for the studio as the "applause" indicators light up.
Another moment passes with no sight of Mr. Barker.
Announcer- And now your host of The Price Is Right, Bob Barker.
Behind stage a frantic producer finds Mr. Barker in his suite/ dressing room and prods him to go onstage. The producer produces some stage hands and they carry Mr. Barker to the stage. Mr. Barker is heavy footed and has to be pushed onto stage. The applause had once again quieted, but becomes excitedly overdone on Mr. Barker's appearance.
Without warning an audience member, wearing a " I *heart with X over it* retirement", takes a running jump onto the stage and hugs Mr. Barker before being taken off stage by security.
In the chaos a half full pint bottle of tequila falls from Mr. Barker's Pocket. A shocked audience realizes then that the famous host has been pounding tequila for six hours prior to taping. Some overly concerned audience member with a "hello my name is Deb" name tag, yells.
Deb- No Bob, don't let it take you like it took my husband.
Mr. Barker responds in a slur of barely audible noises before falling off stage and ending his career. Audience members leave in a calm and organized fashion. Every audience member is provided a new blender in exchange for signing a "I didn't see that happen" disclaimer.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
PIR for the Children Part 2
Camera Pans Crowd of rowdy 6-10 year olds, all screaming and clapping, a standing ovation for the host yet to be seen.
Snoopy enters from left, waits for the applause to quiet.
Snoopy- Woodstock, we need some contestants here on contestant row.
Woodstock- Squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk
Close Caption- We need Kelly Rochelle, George Allen, Jaime Yurogz, and Tompkins in contestants row, Come on Down!
Snoopy- Okay, our first item up for bid is a toy lawn mower.
Woodstock- Squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk
Close Caption- This Toy Lawnmower is from Tyco, complete with multi-colored bubbling action when used properly, Snoop,
Snoopy- Kelly your bid?
Kelly- I bid eleven Cadbury Eggs.
George- A million.
Snoopy- Jaime?
Jaime- Eight Cadbury's Snoopy.
Tompkins- Seven Cadbury's Bob.
Snoopy- And the actual retail price of the toy lawn mower... twelve Cadbury Eggs, Kelly join me on stage please.
Kelly- Yeah, yeah, I won, I won
Crowd Applause, bells ringing ect. Kelly goes onstage.
Snoopy- Welcome Kelly, no please stand on the left, the left Kelly.
Kelly- You're my hero Snoopy.
Snoopy- Oh, thanks Kelly, the game were going to play is Eazy az 1 2 3. You'll have to place each of these three blocks with it's corresponding prize. "1" being least expensive, "3" most expensive. And the prizes Woodstock?
Woodstock- Squawk, squawk, squawk
Close Caption- Prize one Snoopy is an array of chocolate bunnies, one dark chocolate, one milk chocolate and one white chocolate, imported from Germany, these chocolate bunnies are loved the world over. Prize two is a new sandbox, sans sand. Prize three is a trip to McDonalds complete with playland and complimentary nuggets. Snoopy.
Snoopy- Kelly do you understand?
Kelly- I do Snoopy,
Snoopy- Well, get on it.
Kelly runs to the stage, puts block 1 on prize 2, block 2 on prize 3 and block 3 on prize 1. She then gets confused asks the audience who respond in a fit of applause, boo's and several toddlers throw their half eaten complimentary popsicles at Kelly based on her poor choice, Snoopy tries to intervene but slips on a popsicle and hits his head, he gets up a moment later only to quit the show.
Woodstock, being a true friend, walks out as well.
Next time on PIR for the Children, the producers decided complimentary popsicles are a bad idea and try to find a new host. Stay tuned.
Snoopy enters from left, waits for the applause to quiet.
Snoopy- Woodstock, we need some contestants here on contestant row.
Woodstock- Squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk
Close Caption- We need Kelly Rochelle, George Allen, Jaime Yurogz, and Tompkins in contestants row, Come on Down!
Snoopy- Okay, our first item up for bid is a toy lawn mower.
Woodstock- Squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk
Close Caption- This Toy Lawnmower is from Tyco, complete with multi-colored bubbling action when used properly, Snoop,
Snoopy- Kelly your bid?
Kelly- I bid eleven Cadbury Eggs.
George- A million.
Snoopy- Jaime?
Jaime- Eight Cadbury's Snoopy.
Tompkins- Seven Cadbury's Bob.
Snoopy- And the actual retail price of the toy lawn mower... twelve Cadbury Eggs, Kelly join me on stage please.
Kelly- Yeah, yeah, I won, I won
Crowd Applause, bells ringing ect. Kelly goes onstage.
Snoopy- Welcome Kelly, no please stand on the left, the left Kelly.
Kelly- You're my hero Snoopy.
Snoopy- Oh, thanks Kelly, the game were going to play is Eazy az 1 2 3. You'll have to place each of these three blocks with it's corresponding prize. "1" being least expensive, "3" most expensive. And the prizes Woodstock?
Woodstock- Squawk, squawk, squawk
Close Caption- Prize one Snoopy is an array of chocolate bunnies, one dark chocolate, one milk chocolate and one white chocolate, imported from Germany, these chocolate bunnies are loved the world over. Prize two is a new sandbox, sans sand. Prize three is a trip to McDonalds complete with playland and complimentary nuggets. Snoopy.
Snoopy- Kelly do you understand?
Kelly- I do Snoopy,
Snoopy- Well, get on it.
Kelly runs to the stage, puts block 1 on prize 2, block 2 on prize 3 and block 3 on prize 1. She then gets confused asks the audience who respond in a fit of applause, boo's and several toddlers throw their half eaten complimentary popsicles at Kelly based on her poor choice, Snoopy tries to intervene but slips on a popsicle and hits his head, he gets up a moment later only to quit the show.
Woodstock, being a true friend, walks out as well.
Next time on PIR for the Children, the producers decided complimentary popsicles are a bad idea and try to find a new host. Stay tuned.
Monday, December 04, 2006
PIR for the Children!
Wow that's an interesting concept, I wish I would've thought about this before.... I need a minute to get my thoughts together...
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Okay there's a train wreck of ideas smoking in my head. First off, I didn't mean to start all this. Second, this is a big concept, maybe larger than the comic portion even. Third, I don't even know where to begin.
I'll need to address hosts, prizes, crowd control ( can you imagine a studio full of toddlers?), adverts and marketing, and on and on. Also a different pricing system may need to be devised such as "how many Jelly Belly's would..." or "how many Cadbury eggs would..."
(One at a time know, stay focused)
Hosts. Here's a list of partially acceptable hosts for an underage PIR.
1) Marvin the Martian- I don't think the apocalyptic mania would happen on an underage PIR as previously stated. I think they would laugh and enjoy it. Although redundant, I don't think Marvin would handle an underage PIR as well as the normal PIR. He has a temper if I remember right, imagine some kid pissing on his lap thus causing Marvin to destroy the entire planet.
2) Barney- He couldn't handle it. My sources put him in rehab.
3) The Teletubbies- No dialogue for the PIR
4) Zack and Cody- You may not have seen this one coming, but Zack and Cody are the new gen of Saturday morning kid shows. Lovable twins who live in a hotel and solve crime or attempt to while a slew of calamities occur around them. They can handle the pressure, don't seem to have any drug problems yet, have a vocab and probably want to get out of the Sat morn slump. My main concern is the infighting a hosting partnership would cause. I can already picture Cody throwing an easy bake oven at Zack. The possibility of legal issues remains too much of a gamble to justify contract negotiations.
5) Snoopy- Possible Knott's sponsorship, lovable dog, minimal disagreements with possible co-host Woodstock, and a myriad of guest starts. Yup, I think we've found a winner.
Next on PIR, further development of PIR for the Children
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.
.
Okay there's a train wreck of ideas smoking in my head. First off, I didn't mean to start all this. Second, this is a big concept, maybe larger than the comic portion even. Third, I don't even know where to begin.
I'll need to address hosts, prizes, crowd control ( can you imagine a studio full of toddlers?), adverts and marketing, and on and on. Also a different pricing system may need to be devised such as "how many Jelly Belly's would..." or "how many Cadbury eggs would..."
(One at a time know, stay focused)
Hosts. Here's a list of partially acceptable hosts for an underage PIR.
1) Marvin the Martian- I don't think the apocalyptic mania would happen on an underage PIR as previously stated. I think they would laugh and enjoy it. Although redundant, I don't think Marvin would handle an underage PIR as well as the normal PIR. He has a temper if I remember right, imagine some kid pissing on his lap thus causing Marvin to destroy the entire planet.
2) Barney- He couldn't handle it. My sources put him in rehab.
3) The Teletubbies- No dialogue for the PIR
4) Zack and Cody- You may not have seen this one coming, but Zack and Cody are the new gen of Saturday morning kid shows. Lovable twins who live in a hotel and solve crime or attempt to while a slew of calamities occur around them. They can handle the pressure, don't seem to have any drug problems yet, have a vocab and probably want to get out of the Sat morn slump. My main concern is the infighting a hosting partnership would cause. I can already picture Cody throwing an easy bake oven at Zack. The possibility of legal issues remains too much of a gamble to justify contract negotiations.
5) Snoopy- Possible Knott's sponsorship, lovable dog, minimal disagreements with possible co-host Woodstock, and a myriad of guest starts. Yup, I think we've found a winner.
Next on PIR, further development of PIR for the Children
Thursday, November 30, 2006
New Host Hypothesis's Part 1
In the beginning there was humor, then a hippopotamus struck earth and killed all the dinosaurs.- Alex Winter
Bob's retirement is fast approaching ( I should get one of those tickers*) and the very fate of The Price is at stake. In serious effort of redundancy here's a list of people I would find amusing as host.
1) Flavor Flav- I can't really explain why Flav would be funny, but it would. Really, really funny.
2) Hugh Hefner- It's not a long shot- old, beauties, humor and likeability, but with his own reality show / magazine / parties it seems unlikely that Hugh would take over. Besides (again redundancy) I heard he likes golf.
3) Dave Chappelle- Never in a million years would this happen, but as he said in Block Party, "Old people fucking love me."
4) Andrew Richter- He's on a slump in work since, arguably, Late night with O'Brien and The Price would be a good stage for Andrew's subtle yet often biting comedic ways. Besides he looks like a teddy bear and old people probably "fucking love" him.
5) Marvin the Martian- Where's he been? And why haven't game shows embraced the animated? It seems cost effective, but may frighten the elderly a bit. I can imagine War of the Worlds situational hysteria, with an audience of old people in matching "I *heart* Bob" shirts flooding into the L.A. streets, with the more ambitious members grabbing the Mustangs, Explorers or Cadillacs. Some other confused members would stay seated, hoping that the little green man just wanted their wallets. Where as the more confused, yet semi calm members of the audience, would try to steal trips only to return home with several large cardboard cutouts of Rio, Paris or Hong Kong which the airlines would surely not honor as genuine tickets but would laugh about near the water cooler.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be redundant again and make a list of people I think might actually have a chance becoming host. Till that day.
*mental note
Bob's retirement is fast approaching ( I should get one of those tickers*) and the very fate of The Price is at stake. In serious effort of redundancy here's a list of people I would find amusing as host.
1) Flavor Flav- I can't really explain why Flav would be funny, but it would. Really, really funny.
2) Hugh Hefner- It's not a long shot- old, beauties, humor and likeability, but with his own reality show / magazine / parties it seems unlikely that Hugh would take over. Besides (again redundancy) I heard he likes golf.
3) Dave Chappelle- Never in a million years would this happen, but as he said in Block Party, "Old people fucking love me."
4) Andrew Richter- He's on a slump in work since, arguably, Late night with O'Brien and The Price would be a good stage for Andrew's subtle yet often biting comedic ways. Besides he looks like a teddy bear and old people probably "fucking love" him.
5) Marvin the Martian- Where's he been? And why haven't game shows embraced the animated? It seems cost effective, but may frighten the elderly a bit. I can imagine War of the Worlds situational hysteria, with an audience of old people in matching "I *heart* Bob" shirts flooding into the L.A. streets, with the more ambitious members grabbing the Mustangs, Explorers or Cadillacs. Some other confused members would stay seated, hoping that the little green man just wanted their wallets. Where as the more confused, yet semi calm members of the audience, would try to steal trips only to return home with several large cardboard cutouts of Rio, Paris or Hong Kong which the airlines would surely not honor as genuine tickets but would laugh about near the water cooler.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be redundant again and make a list of people I think might actually have a chance becoming host. Till that day.
*mental note
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Lists
I've been brooding lately on the announced retirement of Bob Barker and I don't know if it's the best idea. Here's a list of better ideas;
1) Dying on stage just after announcing a final showcase winner.
2) Disappearing from the world in order to foster unending claims of Bob sightings in an Elvis Presley manner.
3) Having a contest of will / wits / bare knuckle boxing / skiing / sharp shooting / bubble bobble playing followed by a beauty contest to determine who is really qualified to run things after Bob. ( All of this could also be incorporated into a final PIR special where prizes are given away in between events.)
Now the reason I think his retirement is a bad idea. I'm worried about him. I have been a bit selfish lately in my plots to move on Bob's position, I'll admit, but Bob's a person too.
Think of this, your day-to-day consists giving people prizes / smiles / hope and happiness. Then all the sudden you can't do that anymore and your agent is telling you to relax / play golf / visit friends* / take in a movie / have a bath. What do you do then, what joy do you miss, what purpose can be driven?
This may be bold but Hendrix, Cobain, Jesus, John F. Kennedy and William Wallace all rocked till the end. And Bob, Bob's just going to play golf?
*Imagine that, Ralph Elliot's gone, how many other dinner appointments do you think Bob has? I think 2.
1) Dying on stage just after announcing a final showcase winner.
2) Disappearing from the world in order to foster unending claims of Bob sightings in an Elvis Presley manner.
3) Having a contest of will / wits / bare knuckle boxing / skiing / sharp shooting / bubble bobble playing followed by a beauty contest to determine who is really qualified to run things after Bob. ( All of this could also be incorporated into a final PIR special where prizes are given away in between events.)
Now the reason I think his retirement is a bad idea. I'm worried about him. I have been a bit selfish lately in my plots to move on Bob's position, I'll admit, but Bob's a person too.
Think of this, your day-to-day consists giving people prizes / smiles / hope and happiness. Then all the sudden you can't do that anymore and your agent is telling you to relax / play golf / visit friends* / take in a movie / have a bath. What do you do then, what joy do you miss, what purpose can be driven?
This may be bold but Hendrix, Cobain, Jesus, John F. Kennedy and William Wallace all rocked till the end. And Bob, Bob's just going to play golf?
*Imagine that, Ralph Elliot's gone, how many other dinner appointments do you think Bob has? I think 2.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Television vs. Everything (part II)
This is the final repost at this time, from here I'll do my best with updated updates,
It keeps getting better and better. Yesterday I got a parking ticket. The day before I strained my knee. And last night the unthinkable happened, my cable was turned off.
I knew it was going to happen from the first day I found that it worked, but it's still a bit of a shock. I came home last night and my only option was an Amy Sedaris interview on David Letterman about a movie I've already seen.
I woke up this morning thinking it was a dream, but no not a dream just static.
I thought for a moment it might have been something I said. I have been thinking of unplugging my cable, even told friends I planned to. But I was angry, last week I came home from work and TV had switched all the channels. I couldn't find the TV guide channel and I didn't know what to watch. Again, I was angry. I shouldn't have told friends I was going to unplug my cable, I was being rash.
Sure, maybe I went to far, told too many people or maybe you found out I was trying to slowly take you out of my life. It's true, I did watch Leonardo Di Caprio and Claire Danes while following along with Shakespeare last weekend.
I'll miss the good times. 'Jump Starting' my day with Shakira, Furtado and Beyoncé on VH1. Being late to social functions because of Templar Knights and The Majestic 12 on the History Channel. How am I going to be cultured when I can't watch White Men Can't Jump or Lethal Weapon II for the tenth time? I didn't see Clerks II yet, but I saw the special "making of" and I think I get the joke.
I'll get along without all that I'm sure. And I shouldn't be complaining. TV did allow the World Cup, I should be thankful. What I can't figure out is why. Why now, I know I came home a bit late and didn't call and didn't bring any milk home, but it's just TV it shouldn't need milk or company. It should be there when I need it.
I didn't even get to say goodbye, just a "Dear John" door hanger that said "If you feel we've disconnected your cable in error, our sincere apologies, please call..."
But I can't call, can't give in. No you didn't disconnect my cable in error, I was stealing. It was free and disconnection was justified. Down right cruel, but justified. Now TV is trying to prostitute itself to me. What are they going to say if I call? Are they going to ask me how many months I've been enjoying cable for free? I bet they'll just give me a price. "You want TV back fella? Yeah? Well, you're gonna have to pay for it."
So now I'm supposed to pay for something I used to get for free? Fuck that noise.
TV may have won before, but everything else seems to have trumped it. So if anyone wants to send me letters or something to keep me entertained I'll welcome them with open arms. I'll be reading a lot more again.
Unfortunately this does spell the end of the Price is Right blog. If I can't watch the show, I can't be witty/ semi-witty/ often-stupid anymore. I will continue the game until the end of course.
Someday I might reconcile with TV, but I've lived this long without it and I've learned a bit from our tryst. Thanks TV, see you in another life brother.
It keeps getting better and better. Yesterday I got a parking ticket. The day before I strained my knee. And last night the unthinkable happened, my cable was turned off.
I knew it was going to happen from the first day I found that it worked, but it's still a bit of a shock. I came home last night and my only option was an Amy Sedaris interview on David Letterman about a movie I've already seen.
I woke up this morning thinking it was a dream, but no not a dream just static.
I thought for a moment it might have been something I said. I have been thinking of unplugging my cable, even told friends I planned to. But I was angry, last week I came home from work and TV had switched all the channels. I couldn't find the TV guide channel and I didn't know what to watch. Again, I was angry. I shouldn't have told friends I was going to unplug my cable, I was being rash.
Sure, maybe I went to far, told too many people or maybe you found out I was trying to slowly take you out of my life. It's true, I did watch Leonardo Di Caprio and Claire Danes while following along with Shakespeare last weekend.
I'll miss the good times. 'Jump Starting' my day with Shakira, Furtado and Beyoncé on VH1. Being late to social functions because of Templar Knights and The Majestic 12 on the History Channel. How am I going to be cultured when I can't watch White Men Can't Jump or Lethal Weapon II for the tenth time? I didn't see Clerks II yet, but I saw the special "making of" and I think I get the joke.
I'll get along without all that I'm sure. And I shouldn't be complaining. TV did allow the World Cup, I should be thankful. What I can't figure out is why. Why now, I know I came home a bit late and didn't call and didn't bring any milk home, but it's just TV it shouldn't need milk or company. It should be there when I need it.
I didn't even get to say goodbye, just a "Dear John" door hanger that said "If you feel we've disconnected your cable in error, our sincere apologies, please call..."
But I can't call, can't give in. No you didn't disconnect my cable in error, I was stealing. It was free and disconnection was justified. Down right cruel, but justified. Now TV is trying to prostitute itself to me. What are they going to say if I call? Are they going to ask me how many months I've been enjoying cable for free? I bet they'll just give me a price. "You want TV back fella? Yeah? Well, you're gonna have to pay for it."
So now I'm supposed to pay for something I used to get for free? Fuck that noise.
TV may have won before, but everything else seems to have trumped it. So if anyone wants to send me letters or something to keep me entertained I'll welcome them with open arms. I'll be reading a lot more again.
Unfortunately this does spell the end of the Price is Right blog. If I can't watch the show, I can't be witty/ semi-witty/ often-stupid anymore. I will continue the game until the end of course.
Someday I might reconcile with TV, but I've lived this long without it and I've learned a bit from our tryst. Thanks TV, see you in another life brother.
Friday, November 24, 2006
PIR Archive, i.e. Best of # 2
I'm slowly but surely getting this all set again. Here's another 3 from previous months. Enjoy.
The Golden Rule.
While it is not gloomy in Southern California, a little to the north at close to 11:00 a.m. depression struck a studio where normally happiness prevails.
What could happen, you ask? With all the pro's of the Price is Right, what con could measure up? Silly old people, playboy bunnies, dogs, cats and prizes.... what could possibly bring it down?
No Bob wasn't shot. Don't worry, the Price will live.
But both of the contestants in the showcase showdown went over on their bids, forgetting the one simple fucking rule of the Price. Bob tells you seven hundred times in an hour, "closest without going over." Both didn't listen, bid too much for their respective cruises/cars/campers/trips and lost it all. Stupid bastards.
Remember it's better a bit less than too much. Not only on the Price but everywhere; taking acid, eating cake, starting wars, drinking beer (well maybe not drinking beer but especially that first one).
Stay tuned, it's almost as good as television
The Enemy.
I new this day would come. I saw it years ago, forgot about it, saw it again when all this began, forgot ( I drink a bit), and remembered again this morning. It's important, really at the very heart of The Price is Right, a controlling factor even.
So what am I talking about? Advertising. You see those prizes don't fall out of the sky, don't row in from Cuba or cross the border illegally (damn you minutemen). They don't come from Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny or even Publishers Clearing House. They are given for advertising or bought at a lower price to be given away on air, I'm really not sure.
But that's not the point. I don't want to talk about prizes, Bob, or even his beauties today. I want to talk about adult diapers, medical supplies distributors, mobility scooters and life insurance.
You see the people working for the Price have their target market down. They continue day-after-day between prize-after-prize to praise non-soiled undies, not having to leave the home, not having to walk at all and dieing without leaving a huge debt for your loved ones. They must make a mint. I mean find something the elderly might somehow need, market it on the Price... you're a millionaire.
Then I remembered, I watch the Price is Right, what are these jackals offering me and my generation? So I paid more attention, tried to see past the aged offers and find something for me. I realized that I don't need a medical supplies distributor ( where do you live?), my mobility is fine, and hopefully I don't die soon (sorry if I do loved ones).
Finally I saw what I thought was at least a different marketing group. The commercial was for Quick, that wonderful chocolate drink. At first I felt I was a bit old to appreciate it, then I accepted it as my own and what I was searching for, then I realized that it wasn't a different group at all. The people at the Price are not looking to sucker children in, just to give the elderly something to bribe their grand kids with.
Square one again. Then, after Quick and before diapers, I found it. In the least likely place, and from a suspicious source. The U.S. Military.
It seems that besides old people and me, the only other people watching the Price is Right every morning are people who have absolutely no direction or ambition to leave the house before 11:00. Perfect candidates to serve our country.
Bruce Lee, with a little Price mixed in.
I'm sorry for the misleading nature of this post. I know these pages are devoted to The Price is Right and am still committed to bringing you insights into one of America's best relics. But I didn't watch today because Fists of Fury was on at the same time. So I don't have any new information on The Price is Right today, but I am working on a theory surrounding the actual value of prizes given away. As it stands I am not too impressed, but I'll get back to that later.
If you've never seen Fists of Fury you may want to pause the next time you pass it while surfing channels, hopefully you like kung fu enough to stay until the end. After fighting an entire school of martial artists to avenge his masters death, Bruce Lee kills the three leaders of the rival school. Then as he is being escorted out by detectives, he says he will accept punishment for the lives he took. They escort him outside to waiting cops with guns drawn, to which Bruce Lee responds with a scream and jump kick. Gunshots are heard over the scream. Roll credits.
It was incredible. Why don't shows end this way in the USA? I guess we just like happiness too much. Happiness and prizes. And flashing lights. And Bob Barker.
The Golden Rule.
While it is not gloomy in Southern California, a little to the north at close to 11:00 a.m. depression struck a studio where normally happiness prevails.
What could happen, you ask? With all the pro's of the Price is Right, what con could measure up? Silly old people, playboy bunnies, dogs, cats and prizes.... what could possibly bring it down?
No Bob wasn't shot. Don't worry, the Price will live.
But both of the contestants in the showcase showdown went over on their bids, forgetting the one simple fucking rule of the Price. Bob tells you seven hundred times in an hour, "closest without going over." Both didn't listen, bid too much for their respective cruises/cars/campers/trips and lost it all. Stupid bastards.
Remember it's better a bit less than too much. Not only on the Price but everywhere; taking acid, eating cake, starting wars, drinking beer (well maybe not drinking beer but especially that first one).
Stay tuned, it's almost as good as television
The Enemy.
I new this day would come. I saw it years ago, forgot about it, saw it again when all this began, forgot ( I drink a bit), and remembered again this morning. It's important, really at the very heart of The Price is Right, a controlling factor even.
So what am I talking about? Advertising. You see those prizes don't fall out of the sky, don't row in from Cuba or cross the border illegally (damn you minutemen). They don't come from Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny or even Publishers Clearing House. They are given for advertising or bought at a lower price to be given away on air, I'm really not sure.
But that's not the point. I don't want to talk about prizes, Bob, or even his beauties today. I want to talk about adult diapers, medical supplies distributors, mobility scooters and life insurance.
You see the people working for the Price have their target market down. They continue day-after-day between prize-after-prize to praise non-soiled undies, not having to leave the home, not having to walk at all and dieing without leaving a huge debt for your loved ones. They must make a mint. I mean find something the elderly might somehow need, market it on the Price... you're a millionaire.
Then I remembered, I watch the Price is Right, what are these jackals offering me and my generation? So I paid more attention, tried to see past the aged offers and find something for me. I realized that I don't need a medical supplies distributor ( where do you live?), my mobility is fine, and hopefully I don't die soon (sorry if I do loved ones).
Finally I saw what I thought was at least a different marketing group. The commercial was for Quick, that wonderful chocolate drink. At first I felt I was a bit old to appreciate it, then I accepted it as my own and what I was searching for, then I realized that it wasn't a different group at all. The people at the Price are not looking to sucker children in, just to give the elderly something to bribe their grand kids with.
Square one again. Then, after Quick and before diapers, I found it. In the least likely place, and from a suspicious source. The U.S. Military.
It seems that besides old people and me, the only other people watching the Price is Right every morning are people who have absolutely no direction or ambition to leave the house before 11:00. Perfect candidates to serve our country.
Bruce Lee, with a little Price mixed in.
I'm sorry for the misleading nature of this post. I know these pages are devoted to The Price is Right and am still committed to bringing you insights into one of America's best relics. But I didn't watch today because Fists of Fury was on at the same time. So I don't have any new information on The Price is Right today, but I am working on a theory surrounding the actual value of prizes given away. As it stands I am not too impressed, but I'll get back to that later.
If you've never seen Fists of Fury you may want to pause the next time you pass it while surfing channels, hopefully you like kung fu enough to stay until the end. After fighting an entire school of martial artists to avenge his masters death, Bruce Lee kills the three leaders of the rival school. Then as he is being escorted out by detectives, he says he will accept punishment for the lives he took. They escort him outside to waiting cops with guns drawn, to which Bruce Lee responds with a scream and jump kick. Gunshots are heard over the scream. Roll credits.
It was incredible. Why don't shows end this way in the USA? I guess we just like happiness too much. Happiness and prizes. And flashing lights. And Bob Barker.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
PIR comic archive released!
Here's the most complete and up to date list of the famous PIR comic. More updates to follow.
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=142917
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=142934
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=144494
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=144490
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=151173
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=151177
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=151179
http://www.stripgenerator.com/viewEng.php?id=167747
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=167761
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=168641
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=168644
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=168650
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=168653
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169295
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169304
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169308
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169309
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169311
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=142917
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=142934
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=144494
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=144490
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=151173
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=151177
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=151179
http://www.stripgenerator.com/viewEng.php?id=167747
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=167761
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=168641
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=168644
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=168650
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=168653
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169295
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169304
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169308
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169309
http://www.stripgenerator.com/view.php?id=169311
PIR Archive, i.e. Best of...
Here's a few of the early PIR musings, I will try to update more regularly, but for now here's 3 of the previous posts. If I don't give something fresh and new soon, be assured I will reprint earlier postings without humility. Enjoy.
Six Degrees and the Price is Right
When I was young my ideal job and my answer to the "when you grow up" question was to be a cab driver. I thought it would be fun. I like people. Unfortunately I have yet to realize this dream and I still have to grow up.
I've had a few jobs.
When I turned twenty-one I walked out of one job for shorting me what worked out to be right around three dollars and seventy five cents. I walked to the beer store, got a six pack and went to a friends. When I got there he offered me a job cooking at a bar.
Here comes the point.
My boss (whose name I cannot for the life of me remember, I know, I know Carson forgetting a girls name, how could that ever happen, I mean it's not like I forget names all the time, and it certainly hasn't happened in the last week,) my boss, had a step-sister whose name I do remember, Gena Lee Nolin.
Gena used to be one of Barker's Beauties.
Let me rewind that for you......
Carson- to- Boss (whose name I don't know)- to- Gena Lee- to- Bob Barker. That's three degrees by my count.
Your turn.
PIR update for the ladies.
This morning on the Price is Right, Bob answered an age old question.
I do have to say, as Bob today himself said, do not shoot the messenger, I'm just going on what he said and Bob's just going on the numbers.
The audience, being far too demanding, wanted a female on stage because the other three contestants in the row were male. Bob then went on to say that they had done the research and actually more woman compete on the Price, but that more money is actually won by the fewer amount of men. Bob continued to say that they had taken the statistical data to an independent female psychologist who concluded that men are in fact smarter than women.
Incidentally the remaining contestants for the day were female. Also they had three cars to give away today.
p.s. I do not have access to said data. Also the views of Bob Barker and CBS are not necessarily the same views held by those in charge of this here.
Skeeball, with a little Price mixed in.
Some prefer drinks, some drugs, some ice fishing, some sunbathing,
Others may need long walks, cultivating gardens, even religious ceremony.
But I think I've found the key. And while I haven't yet instituted a strict routine or even a lazy routine, I thought now would be as good of time as any to let you know what I've found. It's important.
A great man once said,
"(buzzer sounds) You've all overbid. The lowest bid is (insert number). Erase the bids, please. Go lower than (insert previous number), (Name)."
And I know now that he's right. It's easy to overbid. It's easy to over think, overreact, become overwhelmed. So we drink, we complain, we overanalyze. We come to conclusions on what should be and when and why. And it doesn't matter. If it did change we would have a thousand more things to think about, and we would wonder why it wasn't so simple anymore, so routine.
I'm wandering, I know, but I'll get to that key statement in a moment.
In a recent arcade trip I became bored with company, complaints and even drinks. I needed something else. Something I didn't have to strive toward, something I didn't have to change, something that would be ridiculous to complain about. So I played about an hour and a half of Skeeball.
I'm not at all sure how much it cost me and by the end I had enough tickets to drown a child in stuffed animals and shot glasses. ( I'm not sure what that means either. ) I didn't need the tickets, they may as well have been confetti, or a bright light. The tickets weren't the point, I gave them to the other Skeeballers near. I didn't need them, I have enough trinkets left over from the last failed experiment to feed all the street children of TJ. The tickets weren't the point.
The points weren't important either. I know they translate directly into tickets, tickets into trinkets. Yes, I get it. But when you stop thinking that a 50 is better than a 20, 20's become kind of cool too. An occasional 100 made me feel a bit better, but not much better than a 10, not as if I saved someone's life for example. All I wanted was to roll balls into cups. No reason, no rhyme, no purpose, it was fantastic. I accomplished nothing, it was a waste of time.
Skeeball has been roughly the same since 1909. With the same mundane purpose. No one in all that time has found a better way to play Skeeball.
I forgot where I was going with this, I'll think about it and try to edit a purpose in. Ummmm..... but Bob Barker likes Skeeball too, or he did anyway. They had a pricing game based on it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Ball%21%21
Six Degrees and the Price is Right
When I was young my ideal job and my answer to the "when you grow up" question was to be a cab driver. I thought it would be fun. I like people. Unfortunately I have yet to realize this dream and I still have to grow up.
I've had a few jobs.
When I turned twenty-one I walked out of one job for shorting me what worked out to be right around three dollars and seventy five cents. I walked to the beer store, got a six pack and went to a friends. When I got there he offered me a job cooking at a bar.
Here comes the point.
My boss (whose name I cannot for the life of me remember, I know, I know Carson forgetting a girls name, how could that ever happen, I mean it's not like I forget names all the time, and it certainly hasn't happened in the last week,) my boss, had a step-sister whose name I do remember, Gena Lee Nolin.
Gena used to be one of Barker's Beauties.
Let me rewind that for you......
Carson- to- Boss (whose name I don't know)- to- Gena Lee- to- Bob Barker. That's three degrees by my count.
Your turn.
PIR update for the ladies.
This morning on the Price is Right, Bob answered an age old question.
I do have to say, as Bob today himself said, do not shoot the messenger, I'm just going on what he said and Bob's just going on the numbers.
The audience, being far too demanding, wanted a female on stage because the other three contestants in the row were male. Bob then went on to say that they had done the research and actually more woman compete on the Price, but that more money is actually won by the fewer amount of men. Bob continued to say that they had taken the statistical data to an independent female psychologist who concluded that men are in fact smarter than women.
Incidentally the remaining contestants for the day were female. Also they had three cars to give away today.
p.s. I do not have access to said data. Also the views of Bob Barker and CBS are not necessarily the same views held by those in charge of this here.
Skeeball, with a little Price mixed in.
Some prefer drinks, some drugs, some ice fishing, some sunbathing,
Others may need long walks, cultivating gardens, even religious ceremony.
But I think I've found the key. And while I haven't yet instituted a strict routine or even a lazy routine, I thought now would be as good of time as any to let you know what I've found. It's important.
A great man once said,
"(buzzer sounds) You've all overbid. The lowest bid is (insert number). Erase the bids, please. Go lower than (insert previous number), (Name)."
And I know now that he's right. It's easy to overbid. It's easy to over think, overreact, become overwhelmed. So we drink, we complain, we overanalyze. We come to conclusions on what should be and when and why. And it doesn't matter. If it did change we would have a thousand more things to think about, and we would wonder why it wasn't so simple anymore, so routine.
I'm wandering, I know, but I'll get to that key statement in a moment.
In a recent arcade trip I became bored with company, complaints and even drinks. I needed something else. Something I didn't have to strive toward, something I didn't have to change, something that would be ridiculous to complain about. So I played about an hour and a half of Skeeball.
I'm not at all sure how much it cost me and by the end I had enough tickets to drown a child in stuffed animals and shot glasses. ( I'm not sure what that means either. ) I didn't need the tickets, they may as well have been confetti, or a bright light. The tickets weren't the point, I gave them to the other Skeeballers near. I didn't need them, I have enough trinkets left over from the last failed experiment to feed all the street children of TJ. The tickets weren't the point.
The points weren't important either. I know they translate directly into tickets, tickets into trinkets. Yes, I get it. But when you stop thinking that a 50 is better than a 20, 20's become kind of cool too. An occasional 100 made me feel a bit better, but not much better than a 10, not as if I saved someone's life for example. All I wanted was to roll balls into cups. No reason, no rhyme, no purpose, it was fantastic. I accomplished nothing, it was a waste of time.
Skeeball has been roughly the same since 1909. With the same mundane purpose. No one in all that time has found a better way to play Skeeball.
I forgot where I was going with this, I'll think about it and try to edit a purpose in. Ummmm..... but Bob Barker likes Skeeball too, or he did anyway. They had a pricing game based on it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Ball%21%21
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
The marriage and the hula dance
To start, I've been writing about the Price for a few months, I'll repost some past musings when time permits or when someone votes them into a "best of" category, but for now people need something fresh and new.
There have been some startling revelations. First, Bob Barker retired, we all wish him well. Second, I'm doing my best to plot a takeover. And third, the Price is still going strong.
I'd have some big shoes to fill provided I get the job. Bob Barker is a remarkable man. I'll give you two examples.
Last week Bob saved someone's marriage. Today, he let a woman hula dance for all of America to enjoy.
It's true I saw it, or them, or I saw both of those things happen.
The marriage. A contestant got to the row and was celebrating his anniversary. He told Bob to let his wife onstage prior to taping to save his marriage, but the husband was called instead. Bob asked if he helped the marriage and the husband replied "only if I listen to her." The wife continued to bid from the audience and the husband won a car. "Thanks Bob, you saved my marriage."
The hula dance. In the audience today was a group, presumably from Hawaii, who were involved in some sort of hula traveling dance troupe. One of the many got on stage prior to a showcase showdown and Bob, with infinite generosity, asked her to dance. Five minutes later the woman was radiant, happy, overjoyed and flattered to have had the opportunity. Bob said it was the most beautiful thing ever seen on the Price, and I got to see it.
He's changing lives that B.B. one prize filled hour at a time.
There have been some startling revelations. First, Bob Barker retired, we all wish him well. Second, I'm doing my best to plot a takeover. And third, the Price is still going strong.
I'd have some big shoes to fill provided I get the job. Bob Barker is a remarkable man. I'll give you two examples.
Last week Bob saved someone's marriage. Today, he let a woman hula dance for all of America to enjoy.
It's true I saw it, or them, or I saw both of those things happen.
The marriage. A contestant got to the row and was celebrating his anniversary. He told Bob to let his wife onstage prior to taping to save his marriage, but the husband was called instead. Bob asked if he helped the marriage and the husband replied "only if I listen to her." The wife continued to bid from the audience and the husband won a car. "Thanks Bob, you saved my marriage."
The hula dance. In the audience today was a group, presumably from Hawaii, who were involved in some sort of hula traveling dance troupe. One of the many got on stage prior to a showcase showdown and Bob, with infinite generosity, asked her to dance. Five minutes later the woman was radiant, happy, overjoyed and flattered to have had the opportunity. Bob said it was the most beautiful thing ever seen on the Price, and I got to see it.
He's changing lives that B.B. one prize filled hour at a time.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Reposted from the start of it all.
Television vs. Everything Else
So for the first time in my life I have cable television. And yes, you are reading correctly. I've never had it before, not as a toddler, not in high school, not in college, not ever. I am doing fine, have been fine and would have continued to read books if I haven't plugged in that cord to realize my cable works.
I think I'm stealing.... So I'll have to go to church this weekend and repent for that.
But I don't think I can really appreciate it. I don't know the shows and all these people are foreign to me. I felt like I really just wanted Lost back on... Until this morning at 10:00 when The Price Is Right came on.
I haven't been able to watch this for years and I'm beginning to remember those mornings waking up before school in Duluth. It really is the best piece of American genius ever. It's an old guy giving shit away to everyday people who in turn yell, jump, scream and shout. I haven't heard them scream God yet, but I'm sure it has happen at least once during the Price's run.
One guy today almost cried when he won an electronic drumset. Is he going to use it? Hell no. Why would he? It's an electronic drumset. But what did Bob really give him? That's right, happiness. It's got to be the happiest show in the world. It'll change your whole day, seriously, some guy named Matthew won a sailboat.
ONE POINT TELEVISION
Television vs. Everything Else
So for the first time in my life I have cable television. And yes, you are reading correctly. I've never had it before, not as a toddler, not in high school, not in college, not ever. I am doing fine, have been fine and would have continued to read books if I haven't plugged in that cord to realize my cable works.
I think I'm stealing.... So I'll have to go to church this weekend and repent for that.
But I don't think I can really appreciate it. I don't know the shows and all these people are foreign to me. I felt like I really just wanted Lost back on... Until this morning at 10:00 when The Price Is Right came on.
I haven't been able to watch this for years and I'm beginning to remember those mornings waking up before school in Duluth. It really is the best piece of American genius ever. It's an old guy giving shit away to everyday people who in turn yell, jump, scream and shout. I haven't heard them scream God yet, but I'm sure it has happen at least once during the Price's run.
One guy today almost cried when he won an electronic drumset. Is he going to use it? Hell no. Why would he? It's an electronic drumset. But what did Bob really give him? That's right, happiness. It's got to be the happiest show in the world. It'll change your whole day, seriously, some guy named Matthew won a sailboat.
ONE POINT TELEVISION
To Begin, Lorem Ipsum
It wont matter much what it looks like or how you feel about. What is important is the message, I'll let you know that I'm planning on taking over The Price is Right, a daytime television show on CBS hosted by Bob Barker, but the rest of my plan is a closely guarded secret.
I will need help, and I will solicit your help soon.
I will post the history later. But for now we're back on the air.
I will need help, and I will solicit your help soon.
I will post the history later. But for now we're back on the air.
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