New Host Hypothesis's Part 1

In the beginning there was humor, then a hippopotamus struck earth and killed all the dinosaurs.- Alex Winter

Bob's retirement is fast approaching ( I should get one of those tickers*) and the very fate of The Price is at stake. In serious effort of redundancy here's a list of people I would find amusing as host.

1) Flavor Flav- I can't really explain why Flav would be funny, but it would. Really, really funny.

2) Hugh Hefner- It's not a long shot- old, beauties, humor and likeability, but with his own reality show / magazine / parties it seems unlikely that Hugh would take over. Besides (again redundancy) I heard he likes golf.

3) Dave Chappelle- Never in a million years would this happen, but as he said in Block Party, "Old people fucking love me."

4) Andrew Richter- He's on a slump in work since, arguably, Late night with O'Brien and The Price would be a good stage for Andrew's subtle yet often biting comedic ways. Besides he looks like a teddy bear and old people probably "fucking love" him.

5) Marvin the Martian- Where's he been? And why haven't game shows embraced the animated? It seems cost effective, but may frighten the elderly a bit. I can imagine War of the Worlds situational hysteria, with an audience of old people in matching "I *heart* Bob" shirts flooding into the L.A. streets, with the more ambitious members grabbing the Mustangs, Explorers or Cadillacs. Some other confused members would stay seated, hoping that the little green man just wanted their wallets. Where as the more confused, yet semi calm members of the audience, would try to steal trips only to return home with several large cardboard cutouts of Rio, Paris or Hong Kong which the airlines would surely not honor as genuine tickets but would laugh about near the water cooler.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be redundant again and make a list of people I think might actually have a chance becoming host. Till that day.




*mental note

Lists

I've been brooding lately on the announced retirement of Bob Barker and I don't know if it's the best idea. Here's a list of better ideas;

1) Dying on stage just after announcing a final showcase winner.

2) Disappearing from the world in order to foster unending claims of Bob sightings in an Elvis Presley manner.

3) Having a contest of will / wits / bare knuckle boxing / skiing / sharp shooting / bubble bobble playing followed by a beauty contest to determine who is really qualified to run things after Bob. ( All of this could also be incorporated into a final PIR special where prizes are given away in between events.)


Now the reason I think his retirement is a bad idea. I'm worried about him. I have been a bit selfish lately in my plots to move on Bob's position, I'll admit, but Bob's a person too.

Think of this, your day-to-day consists giving people prizes / smiles / hope and happiness. Then all the sudden you can't do that anymore and your agent is telling you to relax / play golf / visit friends* / take in a movie / have a bath. What do you do then, what joy do you miss, what purpose can be driven?

This may be bold but Hendrix, Cobain, Jesus, John F. Kennedy and William Wallace all rocked till the end. And Bob, Bob's just going to play golf?





*Imagine that, Ralph Elliot's gone, how many other dinner appointments do you think Bob has? I think 2.

Television vs. Everything (part II)

This is the final repost at this time, from here I'll do my best with updated updates,


It keeps getting better and better. Yesterday I got a parking ticket. The day before I strained my knee. And last night the unthinkable happened, my cable was turned off.

I knew it was going to happen from the first day I found that it worked, but it's still a bit of a shock. I came home last night and my only option was an Amy Sedaris interview on David Letterman about a movie I've already seen.

I woke up this morning thinking it was a dream, but no not a dream just static.

I thought for a moment it might have been something I said. I have been thinking of unplugging my cable, even told friends I planned to. But I was angry, last week I came home from work and TV had switched all the channels. I couldn't find the TV guide channel and I didn't know what to watch. Again, I was angry. I shouldn't have told friends I was going to unplug my cable, I was being rash.

Sure, maybe I went to far, told too many people or maybe you found out I was trying to slowly take you out of my life. It's true, I did watch Leonardo Di Caprio and Claire Danes while following along with Shakespeare last weekend.

I'll miss the good times. 'Jump Starting' my day with Shakira, Furtado and Beyoncé on VH1. Being late to social functions because of Templar Knights and The Majestic 12 on the History Channel. How am I going to be cultured when I can't watch White Men Can't Jump or Lethal Weapon II for the tenth time? I didn't see Clerks II yet, but I saw the special "making of" and I think I get the joke.

I'll get along without all that I'm sure. And I shouldn't be complaining. TV did allow the World Cup, I should be thankful. What I can't figure out is why. Why now, I know I came home a bit late and didn't call and didn't bring any milk home, but it's just TV it shouldn't need milk or company. It should be there when I need it.

I didn't even get to say goodbye, just a "Dear John" door hanger that said "If you feel we've disconnected your cable in error, our sincere apologies, please call..."

But I can't call, can't give in. No you didn't disconnect my cable in error, I was stealing. It was free and disconnection was justified. Down right cruel, but justified. Now TV is trying to prostitute itself to me. What are they going to say if I call? Are they going to ask me how many months I've been enjoying cable for free? I bet they'll just give me a price. "You want TV back fella? Yeah? Well, you're gonna have to pay for it."

So now I'm supposed to pay for something I used to get for free? Fuck that noise.

TV may have won before, but everything else seems to have trumped it. So if anyone wants to send me letters or something to keep me entertained I'll welcome them with open arms. I'll be reading a lot more again.

Unfortunately this does spell the end of the Price is Right blog. If I can't watch the show, I can't be witty/ semi-witty/ often-stupid anymore. I will continue the game until the end of course.

Someday I might reconcile with TV, but I've lived this long without it and I've learned a bit from our tryst. Thanks TV, see you in another life brother.

PIR Archive, i.e. Best of # 2

I'm slowly but surely getting this all set again. Here's another 3 from previous months. Enjoy.


The Golden Rule.

While it is not gloomy in Southern California, a little to the north at close to 11:00 a.m. depression struck a studio where normally happiness prevails.
What could happen, you ask? With all the pro's of the Price is Right, what con could measure up? Silly old people, playboy bunnies, dogs, cats and prizes.... what could possibly bring it down?
No Bob wasn't shot. Don't worry, the Price will live.
But both of the contestants in the showcase showdown went over on their bids, forgetting the one simple fucking rule of the Price. Bob tells you seven hundred times in an hour, "closest without going over." Both didn't listen, bid too much for their respective cruises/cars/campers/trips and lost it all. Stupid bastards.
Remember it's better a bit less than too much. Not only on the Price but everywhere; taking acid, eating cake, starting wars, drinking beer (well maybe not drinking beer but especially that first one).
Stay tuned, it's almost as good as television


The Enemy.

I new this day would come. I saw it years ago, forgot about it, saw it again when all this began, forgot ( I drink a bit), and remembered again this morning. It's important, really at the very heart of The Price is Right, a controlling factor even.

So what am I talking about? Advertising. You see those prizes don't fall out of the sky, don't row in from Cuba or cross the border illegally (damn you minutemen). They don't come from Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny or even Publishers Clearing House. They are given for advertising or bought at a lower price to be given away on air, I'm really not sure.

But that's not the point. I don't want to talk about prizes, Bob, or even his beauties today. I want to talk about adult diapers, medical supplies distributors, mobility scooters and life insurance.

You see the people working for the Price have their target market down. They continue day-after-day between prize-after-prize to praise non-soiled undies, not having to leave the home, not having to walk at all and dieing without leaving a huge debt for your loved ones. They must make a mint. I mean find something the elderly might somehow need, market it on the Price... you're a millionaire.

Then I remembered, I watch the Price is Right, what are these jackals offering me and my generation? So I paid more attention, tried to see past the aged offers and find something for me. I realized that I don't need a medical supplies distributor ( where do you live?), my mobility is fine, and hopefully I don't die soon (sorry if I do loved ones).

Finally I saw what I thought was at least a different marketing group. The commercial was for Quick, that wonderful chocolate drink. At first I felt I was a bit old to appreciate it, then I accepted it as my own and what I was searching for, then I realized that it wasn't a different group at all. The people at the Price are not looking to sucker children in, just to give the elderly something to bribe their grand kids with.

Square one again. Then, after Quick and before diapers, I found it. In the least likely place, and from a suspicious source. The U.S. Military.

It seems that besides old people and me, the only other people watching the Price is Right every morning are people who have absolutely no direction or ambition to leave the house before 11:00. Perfect candidates to serve our country.



Bruce Lee, with a little Price mixed in.

I'm sorry for the misleading nature of this post. I know these pages are devoted to The Price is Right and am still committed to bringing you insights into one of America's best relics. But I didn't watch today because Fists of Fury was on at the same time. So I don't have any new information on The Price is Right today, but I am working on a theory surrounding the actual value of prizes given away. As it stands I am not too impressed, but I'll get back to that later.

If you've never seen Fists of Fury you may want to pause the next time you pass it while surfing channels, hopefully you like kung fu enough to stay until the end. After fighting an entire school of martial artists to avenge his masters death, Bruce Lee kills the three leaders of the rival school. Then as he is being escorted out by detectives, he says he will accept punishment for the lives he took. They escort him outside to waiting cops with guns drawn, to which Bruce Lee responds with a scream and jump kick. Gunshots are heard over the scream. Roll credits.

It was incredible. Why don't shows end this way in the USA? I guess we just like happiness too much. Happiness and prizes. And flashing lights. And Bob Barker.

PIR comic archive released!

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PIR Archive, i.e. Best of...

Here's a few of the early PIR musings, I will try to update more regularly, but for now here's 3 of the previous posts. If I don't give something fresh and new soon, be assured I will reprint earlier postings without humility. Enjoy.


Six Degrees and the Price is Right

When I was young my ideal job and my answer to the "when you grow up" question was to be a cab driver. I thought it would be fun. I like people. Unfortunately I have yet to realize this dream and I still have to grow up.
I've had a few jobs.
When I turned twenty-one I walked out of one job for shorting me what worked out to be right around three dollars and seventy five cents. I walked to the beer store, got a six pack and went to a friends. When I got there he offered me a job cooking at a bar.
Here comes the point.
My boss (whose name I cannot for the life of me remember, I know, I know Carson forgetting a girls name, how could that ever happen, I mean it's not like I forget names all the time, and it certainly hasn't happened in the last week,) my boss, had a step-sister whose name I do remember, Gena Lee Nolin.
Gena used to be one of Barker's Beauties.
Let me rewind that for you......
Carson- to- Boss (whose name I don't know)- to- Gena Lee- to- Bob Barker. That's three degrees by my count.
Your turn.


PIR update for the ladies.

This morning on the Price is Right, Bob answered an age old question.

I do have to say, as Bob today himself said, do not shoot the messenger, I'm just going on what he said and Bob's just going on the numbers.

The audience, being far too demanding, wanted a female on stage because the other three contestants in the row were male. Bob then went on to say that they had done the research and actually more woman compete on the Price, but that more money is actually won by the fewer amount of men. Bob continued to say that they had taken the statistical data to an independent female psychologist who concluded that men are in fact smarter than women.

Incidentally the remaining contestants for the day were female. Also they had three cars to give away today.

p.s. I do not have access to said data. Also the views of Bob Barker and CBS are not necessarily the same views held by those in charge of this here.





Skeeball, with a little Price mixed in.

Some prefer drinks, some drugs, some ice fishing, some sunbathing,

Others may need long walks, cultivating gardens, even religious ceremony.

But I think I've found the key. And while I haven't yet instituted a strict routine or even a lazy routine, I thought now would be as good of time as any to let you know what I've found. It's important.

A great man once said,

"(buzzer sounds) You've all overbid. The lowest bid is (insert number). Erase the bids, please. Go lower than (insert previous number), (Name)."

And I know now that he's right. It's easy to overbid. It's easy to over think, overreact, become overwhelmed. So we drink, we complain, we overanalyze. We come to conclusions on what should be and when and why. And it doesn't matter. If it did change we would have a thousand more things to think about, and we would wonder why it wasn't so simple anymore, so routine.

I'm wandering, I know, but I'll get to that key statement in a moment.

In a recent arcade trip I became bored with company, complaints and even drinks. I needed something else. Something I didn't have to strive toward, something I didn't have to change, something that would be ridiculous to complain about. So I played about an hour and a half of Skeeball.

I'm not at all sure how much it cost me and by the end I had enough tickets to drown a child in stuffed animals and shot glasses. ( I'm not sure what that means either. ) I didn't need the tickets, they may as well have been confetti, or a bright light. The tickets weren't the point, I gave them to the other Skeeballers near. I didn't need them, I have enough trinkets left over from the last failed experiment to feed all the street children of TJ. The tickets weren't the point.

The points weren't important either. I know they translate directly into tickets, tickets into trinkets. Yes, I get it. But when you stop thinking that a 50 is better than a 20, 20's become kind of cool too. An occasional 100 made me feel a bit better, but not much better than a 10, not as if I saved someone's life for example. All I wanted was to roll balls into cups. No reason, no rhyme, no purpose, it was fantastic. I accomplished nothing, it was a waste of time.

Skeeball has been roughly the same since 1909. With the same mundane purpose. No one in all that time has found a better way to play Skeeball.

I forgot where I was going with this, I'll think about it and try to edit a purpose in. Ummmm..... but Bob Barker likes Skeeball too, or he did anyway. They had a pricing game based on it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Ball%21%21

The marriage and the hula dance

To start, I've been writing about the Price for a few months, I'll repost some past musings when time permits or when someone votes them into a "best of" category, but for now people need something fresh and new.

There have been some startling revelations. First, Bob Barker retired, we all wish him well. Second, I'm doing my best to plot a takeover. And third, the Price is still going strong.

I'd have some big shoes to fill provided I get the job. Bob Barker is a remarkable man. I'll give you two examples.

Last week Bob saved someone's marriage. Today, he let a woman hula dance for all of America to enjoy.

It's true I saw it, or them, or I saw both of those things happen.

The marriage. A contestant got to the row and was celebrating his anniversary. He told Bob to let his wife onstage prior to taping to save his marriage, but the husband was called instead. Bob asked if he helped the marriage and the husband replied "only if I listen to her." The wife continued to bid from the audience and the husband won a car. "Thanks Bob, you saved my marriage."

The hula dance. In the audience today was a group, presumably from Hawaii, who were involved in some sort of hula traveling dance troupe. One of the many got on stage prior to a showcase showdown and Bob, with infinite generosity, asked her to dance. Five minutes later the woman was radiant, happy, overjoyed and flattered to have had the opportunity. Bob said it was the most beautiful thing ever seen on the Price, and I got to see it.

He's changing lives that B.B. one prize filled hour at a time.

Reposted from the start of it all.

Television vs. Everything Else

So for the first time in my life I have cable television. And yes, you are reading correctly. I've never had it before, not as a toddler, not in high school, not in college, not ever. I am doing fine, have been fine and would have continued to read books if I haven't plugged in that cord to realize my cable works.

I think I'm stealing.... So I'll have to go to church this weekend and repent for that.

But I don't think I can really appreciate it. I don't know the shows and all these people are foreign to me. I felt like I really just wanted Lost back on... Until this morning at 10:00 when The Price Is Right came on.

I haven't been able to watch this for years and I'm beginning to remember those mornings waking up before school in Duluth. It really is the best piece of American genius ever. It's an old guy giving shit away to everyday people who in turn yell, jump, scream and shout. I haven't heard them scream God yet, but I'm sure it has happen at least once during the Price's run.

One guy today almost cried when he won an electronic drumset. Is he going to use it? Hell no. Why would he? It's an electronic drumset. But what did Bob really give him? That's right, happiness. It's got to be the happiest show in the world. It'll change your whole day, seriously, some guy named Matthew won a sailboat.

ONE POINT TELEVISION

To Begin, Lorem Ipsum

It wont matter much what it looks like or how you feel about. What is important is the message, I'll let you know that I'm planning on taking over The Price is Right, a daytime television show on CBS hosted by Bob Barker, but the rest of my plan is a closely guarded secret.

I will need help, and I will solicit your help soon.

I will post the history later. But for now we're back on the air.