Personalized Retirement Scenario #616

Alex, it seems all lines of communication have been cut.

I've found your blender, Bob has it, he has been on a strict diet of mashed fruits and vegetables. He needed it. The puree function is paramount.

Also Indianapolis was a ploy, a cruel trick devised by some cartographer to confuse the masses. Have you ever heard of someone getting a cab in Indianapolis? Impossible. The cars are merely painted yellow, or orange with some iridescent radiation coming from under the hood.

DON'T LOOK THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT

Further communication will be done by pigeon or hawk, I'm not sure which yet, it may take some time to train them. Do you have any pigeons ready?

Fine forget the pigeons, concentrate on the flight paths only, I'll work on some paper airplanes or kites. Something with a bit of elevation. Ground travel is out of date, UPS has screwed me for the last time and I'm becoming increasingly worried about this internet.

Please telegraph one letter at a time until this air transport can be worked out. Date them. Example. A- 1/31/07, B - 2/15/07 and such. Not full letters , letters, as in the alphabet.

Don't misunderstand me again, that mistake was made in Rio. Never forget.

Till that day.

PIR Personalized Scenario # 157

NEW WORLD AVERTISING PRESENTS

BARKER WORLD


With startling views of what was the U.S. Coast of California, Barker World affords its residents a world of entertainment and relaxation. Numerous five-star resorts adorn the coast and beautiful, once, National Parks fill out the interior.

A savior-like zeal has caused Bob Barker, formally of The Price is Right, to create a paradise in the once state of California. Giving residents equal shares of a warehouse of prizes. Residents of Barker World are often seen in new cars, sitting in new saunas or using an vigorous amount of supplement to complete the joy of their day.

Sound to good to be true? Visit us at Barker World, you may never want to leave!

________________________


Washington D.C. (AP)- What was classified as a type 3 earthquake on Tuesday, has now been revealed to be a series of explosions set off by a rebel group in California. Media and Government buildings have been occupied, leaving them out of touch with the surviving United States. The explosions damaged borders on the state of Nevada and others lying adjacent to California causing a rugged area similar to a no-mans-land of WWII.

Government officials have yet to offer an explanation, but recently advertisements have been seen dropping out of planes on the bordering area.

"It seems that Bob Barker, you know from the Price is Right, has taken over the state of California and is using it to promote a prize filled utopian republic." Max Freedman of Nevada stated, concluding, "I'm leaving tomorrow."

A press release sent by officials of Barker World explained a bit of the history of this monumental action.

Barker World has been created to ensure new opportunities of community growth in progressive California. We have taken measures to ensure that the replaced government will not interfere and our citizens will be happy. We have sent a introductory constitution and electronic drum set to every household in California.
Bob Barker has appointed himself head spokesman, but has left all decisions to a panel of experts. Barker attributes this move to advice from his favorite breakfast casserole creator Kristin, or as Barker knows her, Masterpiece.
Barker World will be here for years to come and we intend to create a freedom dreamt of, but never realized in the USA, where not a few citizens but all citizens have access to their own RV.

Further attempts to reach people in power in the former state of California have proved futile. Only one person was seen across no-mans-land, he stood throwing plinko chips at reporters.

More updates will follow in this bizarre series of events that will undoubtedly shape history.

Announcement!

In an effort to see if people actually read this, I will award a personalized PIR retirement scenario to people who vote on their favorite scenario thus far. Just comment under this post and let me know by # which scenario struck your fancy. Doesn't matter who wrote said scenario, just trying to keep ahead of the game by vastly uncomplicated market research.

Yours.

PIR Retirement Scenarios # 610, 611, 612, 613, 614, 615.

In an effort of cultural awareness the following are examples of The Price being set in remote locals or places not normally Price settings.

# 610- Paris. Prizes would include miniature replications of the Eiffel Tower ( which surely every Parisian contestant would want) , French bread, and recreations of masterworks displayed at The Louvre including but not exclusive to the Mona Lisa. Possible exotic vacations to Los Angeles, New York and Indianapolis would also be included.

#611- Indianapolis. Prizes would include.... I really don't know what people do there, but I'm sure they'd be happy with a blender or a toenail clipper.

#612- Minneapolis. Prizes would include toboggans, warm coats and those things you put in gloves to heat up your hands. All of which I would appreciate due to an impending "vacation" to the artic north. It would be comical though to give away bathing suits, suntan lotion or ice cream.

#613- Amsterdam. It would've gone without a hitch and been the best Price showing ever, complete with fanfare and elephants. If only Bob would've shown up on time.

#614- Bora Bora. Prizes would include staying in Bora Bora forever. Only one prize would be given and there's a chance that someone related to the camera man would win. This however would be a violation of the fine print and subsequently be revoked. It would go down in television history as the biggest prize blunder ever. Even past Survivor's issues about contestants taxes. Bob however would smile this away, having setup the ruse of a camera man's niece to keep the prize for himself. People around the island would call him Dieu D'ile and give him World War II belt buckles. Bob would continue to occupy himself by throwing pairs of scuba fins and coconuts at tourists until the end of his life.

#615- The Minnesota State Fair Grounds, St. Paul Minnesota. Prizes include front row tickets for a week of concerts including a reunion of the remaining live members of Lynard Skynard, a years supply of deep fried Oreo cookies, seven no eight trips down the super slide, and a meet and great with governor of old Jesse 'thebodymind' Ventura.

Sorry I guess that wasn't as culturally compelling as I originally intended. Stay tuned for more life lessons from (cue dramatic music)

THE PRICE IS RIGHT BLOG.

Today On....

Today's Price had one of my all time favorite showcase showdowns. I will speak of as if it were mine.

First an all terrain vehicle that can drive over most anything and even go into the water with, which if you know me is a very valuable accessory. And I could really see myself rocking out in OB from bar to bar driving something that doesn't have to stop for people passed out on the sidewalk. *

Second, a sauna. Very useful and stylish. Also I like heat. Enough said.

Lastly, a sailboat. Again if you know me, obsessions stay fairly constant for at least a few years. It sleeps four and, with impending unrestricted time off I could sail to Hawaii, on to Fiji or Bora Bora, then to Phuket. Possibly while receiving checks if I could do it in under six months.

The contestant stood pondering his bid while reviewing his fabulous

We interrupt the regularly scheduled blog to bring you pressing news on a small brushfire that the SDFD already has control of. No we will not allow you to see the bid nor the second showcase until we are finished dealing with this completely unworthy news story. Please take a few minutes to enjoy a lengthy introduction of computerized animation to said worthless story complete with compelling music, can you feel the excitement? No, you'd rather get back to your regularly scheduled blog? Sorry, we need to take another few minutes after informing you of this worthless news story to conclude with another showing of the computerized animation. Cue compelling music and .......

and both contestants then overbid.


Stay tuned for more updates.



* We at the Price is Right blog do not encourage drunk driving in any form what-so-ever, except in print if you are trying to make a comical point, thank you.

Retirement Update. [with lots and lots of vanity.]

Okay, with a great deal of free time fast approaching, I will be able to concentrate on the takeover of the Price with renewed enthusiasm.

As for those with doubts, Bob and I have a lot in common. I'll demonstrate with an article sent to me recently, [thanks Kim].

First of all Bob says the most important thing to do is listen. I listen like a mofo, I can listen and read, I can listen and rant, I can listen and count cards. But besides the overall employment qualifications, I can also listen with great intensity and with a hope to help.

Often I'm concerned with the overall entertainment of those around me, it stems from an old adage that you are only as happy as the loved ones around you. [I don't really know if that's true, but it sounded good when I made it up]. As such I strive to have the people around me as happy, as entertained and as enlightened as possible.

Often times, and on to point number two, this involves booze. Which I also imbue like a mofo, can do while reading and ranting, my math does suffer however. But as Barker says, it's a good way to maintain energy.

Here's the material, I'll send around the "Carson for Barker's Position Petition" soon.

http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/ap/20070119/116923362000.html


Also in the effort of maintaining entertainment as well as energy, I'll be sending out some requests for the first ever PIR blog madlibs contest. It should be a blast.

Stay Tuned!

Today on....

Bob lined someone up with the putting game, where you guess prices and then putt to see if you win. Bob has traditionally done an "inspiration putt" for the contestant prior to allowing then to putt for the prize.

Bob made the putt, the sailor made the putt and won a car.

What amuses me most is Bob's control and influence on the overall show. I mean, imagine if you could go in to work and demand that everyday you get five minutes to preach about animal protections, demand that you get at least three girls to be around you at all times, demand that once a week or so you get to take five minutes to play some golf, and demand that somedays depending on mood you are going to take ten or so minutes to address something that's been on your mind lately.

Maybe I should write these things on my resume, just to see if someone would allow it.

"We'll give you the golf and the girls Mr. Carson, but you can't force us to listen to your stupid rants, that's for damn sure."


Stay tuned!

Retirement Scenarios # 12, # 743, # 823, # 8, # 867, # 900

# 12) Astonishing geographical anomalies created a sinkhole that swallowed CBS studios like deep throat, Bob went down as well.

# 743) "Popular Blogger Carson" is commissioned to fix all the transistor radios on the CBS lot. Unfortunately he became far too excited and killed Bob en route to the final taping when Carson hit him with his car. Police records show an increased velocity between citing Bob and hitting him. Carson then drove into a sink hole unrelated to the sink hole above, see http://theprice-rebirth.blogspot.com/2007/01/retirement-scenarios-12-743-823-8-867.html

# 823) Lighting goes out on lot, retirement show is rescheduled for 7/8/07.

# 8) Everything goes as planned. A guy named John wins a car, Bob bids a tearful goodbye. Reminder, spay and neuter.

# 867) Plumbing goes out on lot, everyone refuses to leave the contestant line and CBS lot becomes a sight worse than Mardi Gras aftermath. Piss and shit everywhere. Three people puked; John, Mark and Judith, according to the respective name tags. Some abandon the line and seek refuge at a nearby MacDonald's, the employed there see the impending rush and begin defecating themselves. MacDonald's becomes as crippled as the CBS lot. The reaction continues like a virus spreading rapidly to East LA and Inglewood, eventually making it's way to El Segundo.... where it found its wallet and went home.

# 900) The announcer calls Bob's name, but he's absent. Justin Timberlake makes a poor joke about it.

stay tuned?

Retirement Scenario #156 of 1523

Los Angeles (AP)- Fifty-seven years after Ralph Elliot changed game show history by effectively renaming Hot Springs Arizona to Truth or Consequences Arizona, Bob Barker of Price is Right fame is planning to do the same.

Publicist Sharon Juniper said "Mr. Barker wanted a tribute to his late friend and thought this would be a fun way to give back to the community that loves him."

Barker intends to rename a chosen city "The Price is Right". Yesterday Barker announced that he would award an RV, several Chrysler automobiles, seven dining sets, a refrigerator, two spas, nearly twenty exciting trips to exotic locals, and a lifetime supply of supplements to the chosen town.

"This along with new carpet, delivered and installed, to every resident within city limits." Juniper continued.

Several cities have shown interest including Skiptvet Norway, La Ward Texas, and Cashel Township Minnesota. Cashel Township, with a population of one hundred and forty-three, seems an unlikely choice.



STAY TUNED FOR MORE UPDATES!

PIR Retirement Scenario # 274

Barker To Hire Beckham for Final Price is Right Retirement Spectacular

In what seems like a drunk-inspired public relations stunt, Bob Barker of The Price is Right has hired David Beckham, popular UK footballer.

"Mr. Barker wanted to have David there to greet contestants as they go onstage for the games. Unfortunately this contract will undermine any negotiations with MLS team the LA Galaxy and Barker has compensated both Beckham and the Galaxy for such. Barker felt that perhaps Beckham was giving up on being a serious professional and thought he would appreciate a position in the limelight."

"Bob's on point with this one," Popular Price is Right blogger Carson said, "I mean I agree totally, Beckham wants to be a Hollywood star and a A-list celeb, Bob's just giving him a vehicle. I appreciate the humanitarian side of Bob's decisions, he's not thinking about how Price fans are going to react, he just wants Beckham happy. And while Bob cannot provide the challenging arena for football like the LA Galaxy can, Bob can introduce Beckham to millions of American homes at ten in the morning everyday Monday through Friday. Fame like that you can't buy for two and a half million dollars."

Barker and Beckham were unavailable for comments. You can view regular updates on The Price is Right at http://www.theprice-rebirth.blogspot.com/ .

PIR Retirement Scenario # 273

Los Angeles (AP)- In a surprising and exciting move, to those of us in LA anyway, Bob Barker of CBS's The Price is Right fame has purchased a NFL team and is planning to move the team to LA.

Publicist Sharon Juniper said "Mr. Barker just wants to keep his hands in the entertainment bucket. I mean, after such a career, would you expect him to retire completely?"

Fans are both excited and skeptical, one LA resident was questioning the seriousness of Barkers motives. "Is he going to rename the team the Plinko's or God forbid the LA Beauties?"

While information released on the subject has been minimal, people are speculating what team will be purchased.

"Although it would be impossible to determine who exactly Barker has his eye on, the Vegas numbers are saying the Oakland Raiders, due to their performance lately and the proximity to the greater LA area, but again, that's only speculation. My money is on Oakland however." said Vegas sports book concierge Tony "Tiny Tim" Martello.

On PIR and the future of American decadence.

This morning The Price taught me some valuable lessons, which I would have written about this morning except the site wouldn't let me.

It would've been a joy filled PIR blog exclaiming the virtues of marketing through product placement, proclaiming Bob as a visionary with a humanitarian heart ('Remember to spay and neuter), and praising the ideals The Price puts forth.

This morning the final contestants on The Price showcase showdown were homely. That about as nice as I can put it. And, while in previous posts I've lamented the abuse of required beauty on television as a positive, this morning I felt differently.

I wanted to do a tribute to The Price as a humanitarian effort to bring together this great nation. I would have said very complimentary things about how even uglies get to play, that there is little to no discrimination and that the prizes and the hope dealt out on The Price are available to all.

I would have continued my tirade to share the virtues of The Price with my readers for page upon page. Even possibly I would have stated that the producers had created a perfect gaming ecosystem to spread the joy of life to these United States. The nation and it's people would have received my praise as well, for being the audience and the contestants, and for showing that everyone everywhere can be polite to each other (if only for the opportunity to win a pinball machine.)

Wow, what a wretched and horribly inaccurate blog that would've been. I would have been lying through and through. You may have felt better, smiled at people in the elevator or even said good-morning with a little more gusto, and then my lies would have created a virus with which false happiness spread throughout the world wide web.

The truth is that the producers don't care who wins, Bob doesn't care, and I'm sure now the audience doesn't, because I don't.

I really like when they lose. That last minute of "oh, come on, yes just one more.... no." That along with the look on their face, like this was their last chance at happiness and now they have to go back home to their painful life in Oklahoma. I bet you like when they lose too.

PIR Retirement Scenario #34

Los Angeles (AP)- In a stunningly brazen and never-before-attempted television stunt Bob Barker of The Price is Right has outwitted FCC regulations and has effectively thrown censorship out the window.

During the taping of his retirement show on July 7th, 2007, Barker's typical prizes of cars/RVs/bedroom sets were replaced with cartons of cigarettes/bottles of tequila/costumed prostitutes.

The censors were unable to stop the live broadcast for a full twenty-five minutes of the show, in which contestants bid and won three cartons of cigarettes, a threesome, several bottles of whiskey and a trip to Cuervo Nation for two.

Barker also had four bottles of scotch, a case of Crystal, another three cartons of cigarettes and several Cuban cigars to give away, these among some other unmentionable prizes for the showcase showdown.

Barker was unavailable for comment, but was seen leaving the studio with a bottle in each hand and an unknown female on his arm.

FCC spokesperson Mary Fuller stated "This kind of broadcasting is unacceptable, but taking into account his years of diligent service, we've decided to pardon Bob. How could we discipline Bob, I mean it's Bob?"

Others speculate that this was Bob's response to being sanctioned for his remarks on gender a few months back*.

Jason Kelts, who was in the audience at the time, said "That was awesome, it's like Bob was just all 'I do what I want Bitches' and the producers were all like 'Oh Bob' and then Bob just did what he wanted. Man, I wish I were Bob."


*please read PIR Archive, i.e. Best of... below, article titled PIR for the Ladies