PIR Vonnegut Tribute.

And I was just going to give up my chances as a candidate for new host to have Kurt Vonnegut move into the position.

Listen, he was old, so he's got that factor. Witty, so the entertainment factor is there, and also a biting sarcasm that would go over most 50 year old's heads but would land on my ears like music or a sunscreen song. ( I know, I know.)

Could you imagine a showcase showdown full of Pall Malls and Ice 9? A trip to Tralfamadore or an artistic rendering of a butthole? No two artistic renderings of buttholes!

I say.

But alas the old man is dead and gone. And his website with him.

Imagine.

Anyway he wouldn't have wanted to do it. He was a cynic and would've been fired for laughing at contestants that lost. And as much as I would find this funny, Sally Mae and Art Enkel up at the retirement home wouldn't be choking on their pills with laughter I'm sure.

A person once said to me that we shouldn't read Vonnegut because the issues addressed are too big to relate with and that any good story should be about something personal, like a high school graduation ring. I disagree.

This is all an experiment to see how I can occupy myself writing. When it ends maybe I'll blog about transistor radios or blenders or something else mundane. Seldom will I address something as important as today.

Till Then. "Hi ho."

Luck and By the Grace of God.

Thank you. Thank you for everything who ever you are.

I'm home watching The Price. Again thank you.

Bob just paid a woman dressed like a blue jacketed cardinal. Feathers, screeching and all. Bob just paid her five hundred to leave him alone. She continued jumping around, but hasn't tackled him as of yet.

Yesterday I won an IPOD, last thursday a Schwinn beachcrusier.

Silly pasty [edit-Patsy], the answer was lower, no golf clubs and car for you. Take the five hundred and buy a powerchair. Decorate it with flowers.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

------

Benjamin come on down.

A new freezer chest. It looks like it could hold a cow, or deer, or moose for those northern readers.

1900. Kevin- 675, Alexander -420, girl- something

The price was five hundred something, seems like a theme today. Alexander won.

He can win a motorcycle and arcade game. It's a ton of old school games in one, I bet I would win at "ice hockey" or "pro wrestling", but he might have me beat in "techmo bowl."

Bob just asked, "what sayeth thou" in regards to switching prices or leaving them as is.

He switched and lost. I think I'd beat him at PIR too.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

________


Wheel spinning, he just threatened to leave the show if the bird wins. We missed the first contestant, but I'll mention her if she wins.

Alex is out. Over spun.

Apparently the first contestant is saying hi to her husband, daughter and son. So sweet.

I'm with Bob, I hope the bird goes over. She got five cents. Then fifteen cents. She's out. I'll have to figure out the firsts name in the showcase.

COMMERCIAL

________

So the IPOD and Schwinn. Both in drawings, not pricing games. Work and a bar. The Tilted Stick, drink there if you're ever out here. They are nice. I'm sure I'll be there.

On the bidding table. A coffee maker and soup.

WEAK.

A 0-1 bid won. That's where the last contestant bids one dollar over the previous.

Kevin has 16 grand in front of him to win. Some game to do with six ordinary grocery items. What will he do. Oh, he has to price them all to win the 16 grand.

The first for 1000, and on. He might have messed up on the supplement price, but I'm trying to watch and write. This is tough.

Results. Apparently this contestants dad treats PIR like I treat LOST. Supposedly he tells his wife to shutup if she interrupts.

He got the first grand. Now for two. He won. He's going for 4000. Won again. 8000 now.

He decided to quit and take the 4000. Would he have won more? No, the cat food was mis-priced.

______

I forgot to say COMMERCIAL. But this is a virgin experiment, bear with me.

Bidding on a wooden and iron bar cabinet. Looks regal.

Ohhh, and meet Sophie, she is up for adoption somewhere in Pasadena. If you can't get out to Pasadena, you can find a lovely companion in a shelter near you.

Lindsey just won the bidding.

A new car!!!! (I need to employ more of these '!' to convey the mood.)

She needs the first two and the last two numbers of the car.

She found the first two. Now the second. Missed again, one more miss and she's out.

She did it! She Won! A new car! It's her birthday! For real 18! Yeah!

COMMERCIAL

___________


Back to the last win while on commercial, does it seem odd to give a newly 18 year old girl a car and a bar cabinet? I'm puzzled.

Alright it's back on.

to bid; A new digital camera.

Amanda won. She looking at knives, luggage, a model ship and home gym system.

I'd rather have a car. Or 16 grand. Or the five bills the bird got.

The game is poker themed. She won with a pair of nines, no wait four nines.

SHOWDOWN NEXT. STAY TUNED.

_______________

Whose it going to be Kevin, Lindsey or Amanda.

Kevin's sitting pretty with 90 cents.

Lindsey has 60 cents.

She's over.

Looks like Kevin and 'nameless so far' in the Showcase.

COMMERCIAL.

___________

Kevin is top winner. Pamela is second. Pamela is the prior mentioned 'nameless so far'.

Kevin has his choice, bid or pass.

Let's see it.

A trip to Hawaii, air fair, 5 night stay at the Kauai resort. It's a Marriot. Next, a new hot tub. And a new truck. Ford ranger XL, silver.

Pass or bid? Bidding for his prior mentioned father. 27000 even.

Pamela?

A new day bed. Brass and beige cover. Complete with mattresses. Next, a guitar. Possibly that plays itself? And a waverunner. Trailer included.

Bid- 20000.

Predictions?

I think she's over and he's under by 3000-4000.

COMMERCIAL.

___________

Kevin is over, it was 25000. I would've lost too.

Pamela won with 20787. She's close and good. And I was off again.

Please correct those pets from breeding. And have a good day.

Thanks radio... I mean web-land. Thanks contestants, readers, writers and speakers. Thanks random "I'm at home watching The Price" moments."

Till next time.

PIR UPDATES...

Hey out there in Radio Land, it's a new day and maybe I'll do a new post.

This PIR thing is getting too big, everyday I see new people trying to jump on the PIR bandwagon, well there's not room bastards. You can take your 'pimp' Bob Barker shirts and go to hell. He's not some product to be guessed at and given away! He's a human being, if you over price him will he not feel cheated? If underbid won't his pride be challenged? If Chuck Barris shot him, would he not bleed?

Wouldn't he, wouldn't he???????

Dammit people listen, this is no joke. I want no Bob Barker action figures. No Commando Bob, with camo pants and microphone gun- No Moon-Base Bob, with gravitational slacks and moon based hair gel- No Action Now Bob, complete with ladder to save pets in burning houses and dog whistle microphone- No Retirement Bob complete with martini glass and pool side lounge girl.....

....wait, that last one might be cool.

No, no, no. That's the devil making me say that. Really Bob Barker is a person complete with feelings and emotions and self appreciation. And if he saw himself as a product everyday he might try to overdose on supplement.

But I did see an inspiring Barker reference on Post Secret. Which may not be totally appropriate for some work areas ( a bit of artful nudity.) And while I don't agree in a strict sense, I did find it funny. It'll only be there until 3/24/07, so check fast, or I'll try to repost it here someday.

www.postsecret.com

Till then, this is Carson at the PIR Blog saying, "bye."

PIR Horoscope # 3 of ... ( at least 3)

Minerva was delighted to hear from me today. She's been staying up all night drinking Night Train and trying to chase out the March demons, which have plagued her since a car accident in March of 1998. It was a collision between a nightingale and a riding lawn mower, the lawn mower shot pieces of the nightingale all over Minerva's windshield, subsequently she ran into a tree.

She says the nightingale has haunted her dreams every March since and the only remedy she has found is a heavy dose of seclusion coupled with gallons of Night Train.

She sounded a bit off today, but when don't astrologers seem a bit off?

Anyway, she wants to go out drinking and started rambling about the bars in her area and what kind of people go there and how expensive the drinks are.

Normally my favorite topic, I unfortunately had to get her to focus.

So I said " dammit Minerva focus, focus, focus, I'm not spending two dollars and ninety-nine cents a minute to hear drunk stories, I need the future dammit and I need it now!"

So she agreed to do Stacey's horoscope, but I think my excessive use of 'dammit' might have skewed the results, here you go anyway.

Stacey- The events of July 7th 2007 will work against a Pisces, causing an exaggeration of emotions that will cause a downward spiral unless help is sought. You'll gain confidence knowing close friends will be there to help, as is common in a Pig sign. Will anybody else be feeling similar?* You might consider sending a card.

Kind of brief, but always to the point.

Thanks again participants, Minerva, Sylvia and all those of you out there in radio land.

Stay tuned.



*I think she's talking about Bob Barker.

PIR Horoscopes part 2 of .... (at least 2)

I spoke briefly with Sylvia during lunch, a enlightened tarot reader who works with Minerva, and she drew a 3 card spread for me detailing the 7th of July, 2007.

For those unfamiliar with a 3 card spread, the first card is designated to the current situation, the second to the action or course to be taken, the third to the newly developed situation.

For me, Sylvia drew the 13th major arcana- death, the 4 of swords and the King of cups. She briefly explained the general meanings to me and left any interpretation to my own undoing.

The death card symbolizes a time of change, not that I'm going to die. Do not panic.

The 4 of swords designates a time to slow down, take rest or recoup.

The King of cups is likely noting a time to break new ground and or seek self improvement.

Now the interpretation. Seems easy enough, but I've got two.

1- Taking over Bob's position at retirement. Death- Bob retiring. 4 of Swords- his own rest, King of Cups- Myself moving into prominence as Bob's successor.

2- The end of the PIR blog. Death- Changing subjects as PIR with B.B. will be no more, 4 of sword- taking time away from the blog due to inactivity, King of Cups- Finding some equally entertaining subject for which to amaze the world.

I'm torn, but who said divination was easy?

Till that day.

-C.

PIR Horoscopes Part 1 of ....

The verdict is in.. Guilty. Just kidding, Innocent!

I don't know really, but what I don't know could fill all the space between the stars in the sky. That's why I have Minerva, whom I spoke to this morning regarding Nate and Kristin's horoscopes for 7/7/07. Minerva did say "anything in the mighty cosmos could change the delicate nature of these readings, but the overall tone of the day should be well conveyed to those you've chosen worthy."

I didn't mention that those were the only two who responded, but I don't think it would have changed her readings. So here we go.*

Kristin-

"Being of an analytical mind, one of criticism and fussiness within the Virgo sign, you will be inclined to write a thousand letters for a thousand days in regards to Bob Barker's retirement, but the Monkey in you craves mischief. Can you find a way to present your ideas so they will not be ignored?"

Nate-

"Taurus is dominated by patience and loyalty so being a shoulder to cry on seems a likely occupation on the 7th of July 2007, but Bob Barker is a celebrity so you must not become jealous if you are not the only supporter. Instead, using the Monkey in you, find a way to invent the best hugging machine ever. Maybe Bob Barker will feel good enough to continue the show, or you might make a million dollars."



So there you go, Thanks again to Minerva, Nate and Kristin. You're all the best. I might let you guys in on my Tarot reading for the 7th from Sylvia (Minerva doesn't dabble in tarot), but it's kind of personal. (Yes, you can argue that no one reads this so personal schmersonal, and I would probably agree.)

Till that day. -C

p.s. 50 post mark! Special thanks to Alex, all the loyal readers of the PIR blog and lastly but not leastly myself.

Horoscopes and Minerva

UPDATE TO ANNOUNCEMENT!

I called Minerva this morning to confirm just how many extra minutes I have built up from long hours of astrological examination. The number turned out to be 437 minutes. Now I don't know how many hours that it, but it's a lot. So I'm giving them to you eccentric websurfer, bored computer specialist, lame high school kid with only online friends. This one is for you.

Minerva told me I would only have good days this week if the date included a 2,5 or 7, or if I ate an apple at six in the morning on off days, or if a trans continental walk in the park was heavily considered over the next moons. Whatever the hell that all means.

But she did agree to do a general horoscopes providing I provide the names, signs or years to her. So get them to me if you can. She also said that the 17th might prove difficult across the board, as anxiety is going to be increased by some force, I forgot what she called it specifically.

Stay tuned.

*EDIT* I've used about 75 minutes of my time to appeal the 17th decision and Minerva has taken it upon herself to change the entire feeling of the week in an effort to push the bad mojo from the 17th to the 22nd, which she assured me would happen. So I apologize if you've canceled your spa treatments due to the previous post, hopefully you didn't reschedule it for the 22nd.

A list of PIR things I might do, supposing I won a lot of money in the state lottery

(or)

A Rich Man's Price.

1) Setup a fund to provide DNA replicas of Bob Barker in order to ensure showings of The Price is Right for eternity through an advanced cloning scheme.

2) Provide myself ultimate creative control on set design for The Price, in which huge mechanisms would be employed to rotate and lift the entire stage for no purpose other than having a stage that can rotate and lift.

3) First private island giveaway on The Price is Right.

4) Dress everyone on stage and in audience as bunny rabbits to promote ice cream (as if I win the lotto, I'm buying an ice cream factory first.)

5) Dress everyone in audience and onstage as giant lemurs, not for promotion, just to have a bunch of people dressed as lemurs.

Stay tuned.

Announcement!!!! Announcement!!!!

New and improved retirement horoscopes will be given away to those who respond with sign and/or year. I.E. Gemini, Rooster. Or Cancer. Or Pig. You choose, but choose correctly otherwise our trained astrologists will not be able to correctly predict what will be happening to YOU on 7/7/07.

PIR Retirement Scenario #1107

Here is a host of new jobs Bob might give a go when he's done entertaining the masses.


1-Traveling wonder tonic salesman- Not just for rejuvenating hair loss and bettering sex lives, but also hope, hope in a tiny bottle, but hope.

2-Circus Ring Leader- Come one, come all, for the amazement of Barker's 4 Tent Circular Celebrations of Circus-ry.

3-Prohibition era rum runner- Would require time machine.

4- Dinosaur Hunter - Would not require time machine as scientists in Papa New Guinea have created a real live Stegosaurus. (I'm still checking facts on this.)

STAY TUNED.

PIR Retirement # 777

In a bold move, Bob Barker of The Price is Right has started a new quasi religious movement converting thousands of enthusiastic fans and contestants into Barker devotees and followers. While he did retire The Price is Right, he only retired from the screen for seven hours. His new show is titled "Fishing with Bob," and is centered around teachings about peace and understanding, as well as financial improvement.

Personalized PIR #221

Diary Entry For 7/8/07

Oh diary the days are getting harder. I woke up today with no idea of what happened yesterday, for real diary, it's all super confusing. It's coming back slowly.

But whatever, I still had fun, I think.

Last night we had an after party for Bob's last day at the Beckham's. They are so sweet and nice. And Victoria grabbed my butt (giggles). The cheese dip was fantastic, but I like the queso stuff in the can a bit more. :)

A friend flew out to see the show and go to the party, but he argued with Davy over the "real" definition of football. What a goof, but I think it might of been all those beers he was drinking. Anyways, Davy didn't get too angry but challenged my friend to a game of basketball in Davy's basement.

The basement was awesome, a pool, a pool table, pool chairs and even a bowling alley. I'm serious, a bowling alley! In a house! I thought I might challenge Vicky to a little frame by frame but she misunderstood and thought I was trying to lay her, she started to get upset and I told her I misunderstood her little grabby hands before, then she started crying and her makeup was all over everything. She is not as pretty a couple layers down let me tell you. I smell a divorce. ;(

But this basement is worth a loveless relationship.

Anyways, the basement is so cool. So cool. And it has a basketball court. So my friend and Davy play and play and play. But apparently they don't have basketball in London UK, because Davy got no game, but Anton schooled him enough to get a 25 millions dollar contract from the Lakers.

That's all diary, sorry to blab blab blab. Kisses and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Retirement Scenario #'s 867, 878, 2, and 1072

# 867- Barker opens the show with the unthinkable, reading the phonebook. An hour passes and barker is on the 'F's. Why? Because he's Bob Barker. Does he get away with it? He's Bob Barker.

# 878- Bob Barker joins Al Gore and decides to include The Price is Right in a worldwide 24 hour concert to celebrate a warmer world.

# 2- Bob , against the direction of his doctor, clones himself for 2 times the prizes and 2 times the fun.

# 1072- The final taping of The Price is Right is canceled due to protests from what seems to be a cult. They have effectively shut down what they call "an abomination of human morality, those prizes and such." [Imagine it said with a bit of disdain] The group leader has issued a public statement damning anything related to this popular game show. In it is listed; The Beauties, Barker, Producers, Companies buying advertising and even a blog devoted to the show. "That blog there is a perfect example of idolatry, those boys don't know the difference between some guy in a suit giving away RV's and Jesus Christ. " The creators of the blog could not be reached for comment.

I should really keep track of these numbers to make sure I'm not repeating myself.

Till then, play the lotto and hope for the best.

PIR Blog obligatory Valentine's Day Column

First off, I'm on the "not a fan" side, second I didn't get to watch the show due to the dreaded 9-5, but here you go anyway, a list of prizes possibly used on today's Valentine PIR.

-chocolate
-candy hearts
-chocolate candy hearts
-chocolate candy heart shaped underwear
-chocolate candy heart shaped underwear inscribed with "I (heart) Bob"
-chocolate candy heart shaped underwear inscribed with "I (heart) Bob" modeled by a beauty driving a bright pink brand new car.*
-chocolate candy heart shaped underwear inscribed with "I (heart) Bob" modeled by a beauty driving a bright pink brand new car* with personalized license plates with an appropriate phrase.**

That is all, enjoy your hugs and kisses, I'll be watching LOST.




*not in the same cosmetic's line pink, but a cool PIR personalized shade of pink.

** like "PIR LVR" or "VAL PIR" or "LVN PIR" or "LUV W/O"

Scenario #616 cont.

Sincere apologies Mr. Carson, it seems I've found my blender. I had forgotten the removal of the blender from my residence for an event a few weekends back involving some quantities of blender specialty drinks. Again this misplacement is bore on my shoulders and should be of no concern to you.

Also the status report from Mr. Fisher has come back, but it puts you as a blond. Which can't possibly be right unless that California air has invaded your mental state (and from previous correspondence I am not ruling that out.)

That said, I've discontinued that relationship and he should be no worry to you in upcoming months.

This does not discount some disturbing facts however. Indianapolis in particular, as I have made not one red cent from the city, but I feel that you may have had money on their team. Rio, I still have no idea if you are referring to some previous correspondence or just making things up to confuse. Lastly, 'fond regards' means what it means, and if a professional relationship is going to continue I would appreciate this type of politeness.

Forever grateful for your response, supposing that said response is not as violently angry as has been as of late.

-Alex.

Retirement Scenario # 112

Los Angeles (AP)- The Price is Right has announced a new direction for it's fateful last day with Bob Barker, who is set to retire following the last taping in July.

What seemed like a carnival on the CBS lot, was in fact just that. Singers and performers have been traveling to Los Angeles to perform in the first ever game show musical, tentatively titled "The Price of Music."

"We thought that with all the musical endeavors other shows embark on, why should The Price is Right be left out." Associate Producer Josh Rentondal I said. "These kind of shows have become very popular since Buffy the Vampire Slayer did a musical, but our beauties can sing even better than Sara Michelle. We are still working on the show's title however."

Fans are skeptical however, but "the power of Bob keeps our hopes up," said Kevin McCandle.

Barker himself is set to do the grand finale, a rendition of Patsy Cline's If you've got leaving on your mind, while also giving away several luxury cars.

PIR Retirement Scenario #s 954, 955, 956, 957.

With the final days of the Price coming soon, I've decided to come up with some extra fun PIR games to be played on the last showing. These new-and-exciting pricing games will possibly cast a shadow on Bob's absence and keep viewers loyal.

# 954- 52 Pickup.

In the final moments of The Price is Right, a contestant is asked to find the five digits of their "brand new car" in a deck of cards. To complicate things Bob throws the deck of cards all over the stage and laughs as the contestant frantically tries to find the correct numbers within sixty seconds.

# 955- The Name Game.

In order to win a completely new kitchen (appliances, tiles, countertops and the lot) contestant Mary O'Shari is asked to pick randomly six letters. Remembering her time as a viewer of Wheel of Fortune* she chooses R-L-S-T-N-E**. Bob then gives her the price of a new Chevelot Cobalt, 16,725 in U.S. dollars. Mary is then instructed to go into the name tag filled audience and pick people with first names starting with R, L, ect. She then ends up with 1 Nancy- 2 Ryan's, 1 Robert, 3 Ricardo's- 5 Sara's, 1 Susan, 1 Starlett- 2 Evans- 3 Toms, 1 Tamika, 1 Thomson. These add up to create 16,725 and she wins the car. While this new game did promote audience involvement, it took far too long and only one person won any prizes, well beside the Elvis collector coins for those in contestant row.

# 956- The Marionette.

One contestant is told to go completely limp, another is told to control the first contestant through huge strings and cables attached to pulleys on the ceiling. The second contestant then manipulates the first on a shopping spree, any prizes put in a bin are split between contestants.***

# 957 The Carousel.

Prizes are set on various stages of the carousel in between animals, contestants must jump on and off in sixty seconds with whatever prizes they can grab. Contestants must sign waivers for fatality possibilities.


As always, stay tuned.



*I'm sorry becoming involved in other game shows is not normally PIR Blog style, but to illustrate a point.

** I've always been confused by these letter, only because it's really darn close to R.L. Stine, you know that adolescent horror author.

*** I realize after writing this that this wouldn't work at all, but might look funny.

Retirement Scenario #616 continued

Alex, you despicable traitor. After all I've done you hire some P.I. to look after me? I can't believe your audacity you sniveling worm. Mr. Fisher sounds like a stage name for a burlesque dancer in Milwaukie, keep your dollar bills Alex you'll be on the street soon with this kind of betrayal.

First, you are not abiding my requests for conversation. Fine, I don't have time for flight paths any longer anyway and my patience with you is running thin.

Second, are you taking bribes from the Indianapolis boosters? I wouldn't put it past you, greedy dog. What are they paying you in, peanuts? I'll triple it! I'll stop at 7-11 on the way home and get four bags, I'll overnight them, you'll have them by Thursday.

Third, Rio, you stupid Mooninite. Remember.

Fourth, "fond regards"? Please explain this "fond regards"? I can't see how an investigator and giving personal information is any where near "fond" nor polite, friendly or even with warm intentions.

The blender is no longer the issue, if I see you again without rectification on this course we are done, history, may as well have never been.

C.

# 616 continued.

Carson, I've hired a private investigator to further this matter. I thought it would be at least friendly to advise. His name is Barton Fisher, please assist him if you can. He's from Chicago and well known thereabouts. Please do not see this as a personal attack, far from. I just want my blender back, that is all.

I like to blend. I like that blender. I like good food and I know more about puree functions than you can possibly understand. Barker as well. No other blender will do. Again this is no joke to me.

Also Indianapolis is no ploy. I've seen it. Skyscrapers and all. It does exist, it's just a bit out of reach. You have to at least try . Don't give up. Perseverance is the key to a fruitful life. That train did it, it took some time, some chugging, but... well you know the story.

I'm beginning to worry about you a bit. This elevation thing, as well as your misgivings about the internet. You're being paranoid. Sleep more, or less, or whatever.

I've forwarded your information to Mr. Fisher, he is quite accomplished and may be able to provide assistance to you as well. Just be cooperative, he doesn't take well to back talk or belittlement and I know how you can be sometimes.

Lastly take a vacation, this is obviously very trying for you.

In fond regards.

Alex

More Elvis on PIR

Again, the King.

So besides an I-Pod accessories kit contestants not appearing only in contestant row received a collection of Elvis coins. While not to be used as any particular denomination, they may make great pogs.

Just another sign that market research for PIR is done solely through this blog. I'm not making this up.

Yours.